367 replies to this topic

[eVader]

The talking clock....


After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends..

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You idiot! It's three-fifteen in the morning

[Darth Lefty]

From a forwarded email:

----------------------------------

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in California, was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Congressman Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory. On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed Congressman Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle. Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

'Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.'

NOW THAT is how it's done folks! That's real SPIN.

[camay2327]

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ...
you need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts
with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel
better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really
staring you down, and that's when you realize, you have been
listening to your ipod.
Ooooops!!!

[Andrea V]

At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 50 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having sex.
At age 70 success is having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is having friends.
At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.

[Andrea V]

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten."
So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks and make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow. "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."
And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

[mylo]

Irony:

[IT]

A man walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender and says, "Bartender, poor me 20 shots of whiskey!"

The bartender lines up 20 shotglasses, and begins pouring.

The man begins downing the shots one after the other, *Gulp*, *Gulp*, *Gulp*...

The bartender looks at the man and says, "HOLY CRAP!! HOW CAN YOU DRINK LIKE THAT!?!?"

The man says, "Oh, you'd drink like that too if you got what I got!!"

The bartender says sympathetically, "I'm sorry, what it is is you got?"

The man replies, "50 cents"

[Bill Z]

Man walks into a bar, sits down, orders a couple of drinks.

Awhile later, he asks the bartender, "are you a betting man?"

Bartender says, "depends, what do you want to bet?"

Man says, "I'll bet you $20 I can lick my left eye"

Bartender thinks, hmm, I've seen some people can lick the tip of their nose, but that's not close to the eye, so he says " sure, I'll take that bet"

Man pops out his glass left eye and licks it, pops it back into his head, collects his $20 and goes on his way.

Next week, Man is back in the same bar, has a couple of drinks, calls the bartender over, and says "I'll bet you $20 I can bite my right eye"

Bartender thinks, hmm, last time he licked his glass left eye. He seems to walk around here with no problems, so he can't have two glass eyes, so the bartender says, "sure, I'll take that bet.

Man pulls out his false teeth, with his hand, he makes the teeth bite his right eye, he collects his $20, and goes on his way.

Another week goes by, man strolls back into the bar, has a few drinks, and says "hey Bartender, i got another bet for you"

Bartender says, "no way, you always win the bets you make"

Man says "here me out, I'll bet you $20 from 3 feet back, I can piss into a beer glass on the bar and not miss a drop"

Bartender thinks, hmm, this I gotta see, so he takes the man up on his bet.

Man steps back, pulls out his thing, and pisses all over the bar, doesn't get a drop in the glass.

Bartender jumps up & down, "I won a bet, I won a bet".

Man pays up and has a couple more drinks.

Bartender comes over and says "What's up, you los t a bet and don't seem to care"

Man says, "yeah, see that guy in the corner, I bet him $50, I could pee all over your bar and you wouldn't get mad at me"

[IT]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping
trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they
were exhausted and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his
faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell
me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and
millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it
tells me that there are millions of galaxies and
potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I
observe that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, I deduce
that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that the Lord is all
powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.

"Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

[eVader]

One hot summer day, a Newfie came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The Newfie said it was his.

'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The Newfie replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that Shade tree.

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the Newfie. 'That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry cause I fed her this mornin'.'


The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!'


The Newfie looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'

[Andrea V]

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel.

One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor man takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"

Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

[eVader]

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel.

One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor man takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"

Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

that's good

[Darth Lefty]

In Memoriam

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in... And then the trouble started.

[eVader]

Cross examination

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir. With my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do!"
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

[camay2327]

Garage Door
>
> The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing
> his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His
> assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when
> you left your house, did you close your garage door?'
> The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door,
> and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
>
> As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly
> was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his
> assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
>
> He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to
> ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my
> Hummer parked in there?'
>
> She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was
> an old mini van with two flat tires.'