367 replies to this topic

[camay2327]

Female drivers.

[folsombound]

Female drivers.

You're probably going to hear about that one!

[camay2327]

You're probably going to hear about that one!

For sure...

[Bill Z]

This travelling salesman wanders into a bar and sits down for a drink.

While enjoying his drink he looks around the bar and notices a horse standing in the corner with a bushel of money under it.

He calls over the bar tender and asks " what's with the horse and the bushel of money?"

Bartender replies " you put $5 in the basket, then if you can make the horse laugh, the money is yours"

Salesguy decides to try and he goes over, drops a $5 in the basket, whispers into the horses ear, and the horse starts laughing. Laughing up a storm.

The salesman collects his money and goes on his way.





A couple of years later, the travelling salesman finds himself back in the same town, goes into the bar to have a drink. The horse is still in the corner and the bushel is full of money again.

Salesguy says " Hey bartender, still same gig with horse?"

Bartender says "Nope, new rules, ever since you made the horse laugh, the darn horse would laugh at anything, so now the rules are, you gotta make him cry"

Salesguy asks "Can I take the horse outback for a second, I promise I won't hurt him or anything"

Bartender says, "sure, why not"

Salesman takes the horse out behind the bar and when he brings the horse back in, the horse is crying, tears flowing like crazy.

Salesman collects his money and sits back down to enjoy his drink.


Bartender comes over and says " What's up, how did you do it, you were the first person to ever make the horse laugh, and now you also are the first person to make him cry, how did you do it?"


Salesman answers " it was easy, to make him laugh, I told him I was hung better than he was,
to make him cry ....






I showed him"

[Bill Z]

The Pope & The Grizzly Bear

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged
mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising around the
campgrounds in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just
at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Vote
for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' t-shirt, was screaming while
struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from
the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican
loggers with 'Go Sarah' t-Shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44
magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the
bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long
clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it
onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured
Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to
come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told
them."I've heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers
and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own
eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies,
"Who was that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. 'He's in direct
contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.'

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all
wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is
the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get
another one?"

[Darth Lefty]

That's kind of gory...

[camay2327]

THE BEGINNING OF THE END................


Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he's fed..



Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes
Are the rule.


Tax his work,
Tax his pay,
He works for peanuts Anyway!

Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.


Tax his ties,
Tax his shirt,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt..


Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.

Tax his cigars,
Tax his beers,
If he cries
Tax his tears.

Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his a__.

Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won't be done
Til he has no dough.

When he screams and hollers,
Then tax him some more,
Tax him til
He's good and sore.

Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid.

Put these words
upon his tomb,
' Taxes drove me to my doom...'

When he's gone,
Do not relax,
Its time to apply
The inheritance tax.

Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigaret te Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Excise Taxes
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Gross Receipts Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Personal Property Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service Charge Tax
Social Security Tax
0A Road Usage Tax
Sales Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Taxes
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was
the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in
the world,
and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What in the world happened?
Can you spell 'politicians!'
And I still have to 'press 1' for English!?!?!?!?

I hope this goes around THE USA at least 100 times!!!!!
YOU can help it get there!!!!

GO AHEAD - - - BE AN AMERICAN !!

[lornaknits]

NEW DENNY'S BREAKFAST IN HONOR OF "OCTOMOM"

It includes 14 eggs,
no sausage,
and the guy next to you pays!

[supermom]

THE BEGINNING OF THE END................

You were supposed to put this in the political thread not the joke thread.

You brought my laughs down, man......totally down.

I ain't gonna keep reading your jokes if this is what you post!!!!

[Bill Z]

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

'WOW!' the social worker exclaims. 'Are they all yours?''

'Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard
that question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats.


'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up.
I'll need all your children's names.'


'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named 'Leroy' and the
girls are all named 'Leighroy'.'

In disbelief, the case worker. 'Are you serious? They're ALL named
Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time
to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An
when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an they all comes
a runnin. An' if I need to sto p the kid who's running into the
street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest
idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her
forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid
to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'Then I call them by their last names.'

[Dave Burrell]

epic prank

http://www.collegehu...m/video:1902812

[Andrea V]

Subject: An Irish blond..



An attractive blond from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.


She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.



With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'


As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'


She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.



The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.


Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'



The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'



MORAL OF THE STORY -



Not all Irish are drunks,

Not all blonds are dumb,

But all men...are men.

[Andrea V]

Writing's Powerful Message


There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.

When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

[mylo]