367 replies to this topic

[Darth Lefty]

aw come on mylo, you can do something more topical than that

[mylo]

aw come on mylo, you can do something more topical than that

[mylo]

[camay2327]

Kittens in box

http://video.yahoo.c...amp;l=100000085

[Bill Z]

Best Quote on the Financial Crisis:





"THIS IS WORSE THAN A DIVORCE.




I LOST HALF MY MONEY AND STILL HAVE MY WIFE.."

[Dave Burrell]

The future Mylo with his Van and 6 pack abs

[camay2327]

Three ladies in a sauna...!

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE

SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED

HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID.
HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN

LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT

WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE,

SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.20SHE

STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED

WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS

RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY

SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!!



When you stop laughing, send this to those who will appreciate it!!

[camay2327]

CORNY JOKES:::::

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS (or the uncertainty of the English language).

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married. Did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then, I'll
try to send her a few bucks myself."

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you". The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same .
2. There are no dental records.

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute.." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun? What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe : "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell."

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K., but I didn't like the four-letter word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS"

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
He's still in intensive care.

[camay2327]

THIS WAS NOMINATED FOR BEST JOKE OF THE YEAR

A Somalian arrives in London as a new immigrant to the UK.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........
'Thank you Mr. British for letting me in this country, giving me housing,
money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican!'
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. 'Thank you for having
such a beautiful country here in the UK!'
The person says, 'I not British, I Polish!'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Britain!'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Russia , I am not from
Britain!'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a British?'
She says , 'No, I am from Africa!'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the British?'
The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work'

IF YOU DON'T PASS THIS ON TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS
YOU WILL RECEIVE THREE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ABSOLUTELY FREE

[eVader]

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir. With my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do!"
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

[Dave Burrell]

Oldies but still true (and funny)


*A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you**
*least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left*
*of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*"Aim towards the Enemy." Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Marine*
*Corps*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are*
*guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just*
*bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never*
*encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."- U.S.*
*Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*"Tracers work both ways."- U.S. Army Ordnance*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*"Five second fuses only last three seconds."- Infantry Journal*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."- David*
*Hackworth*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*"If your attack is going too well, your walking into an ambush." -*
*Infantry Journal*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." - Anonymous*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown*
*Marine Recruit*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For*
*I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71*
*operating base Kadena, Japan*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F.*
*Crickmore (test pilot)*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than*
*submarines in the sky." --From an old carrier sailor*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a*
*helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough*
*power left to get you to the scene of the crash."*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If*
*a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, ... the pilot dies."*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*"Never trade luck for skill."*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation*
*are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh S***!"*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the*
*purpose of storing dead batteries."*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a*
*person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about*
*it."*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be*
*held on a sunny day."*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems*
*inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the*
*vicinity as slow and gently as possible."*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely*
*kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign*
*over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ,*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go*
*near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the*
*appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It*
*is much more difficult to fly there."*
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*

*As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn*
*off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives,*
*the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The*
*pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray*
*Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)**

[Brightside]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English."

In the first year, "S" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k." This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fofograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil have a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis & evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united languag vil finali kum tru, und efter ze fiz yer, ve vil al be speking German lik zey vunted in ze forst plas!

[rda]

This Swing Flu thing is starting to die down, but still is a factor in LA. The Octomom contracted it and yesterday she sneezed and gave birth to 2 more kids.