367 replies to this topic

[Dave Burrell]

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about another highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

[Dave Burrell]

Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments


COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow..


THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ....why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.


THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians ... it creates a hostile work environment.

[Inwit]

Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments


COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow..


THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ....why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.


THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians ... it creates a hostile work environment.

I thought this was the Joke thread. The above are sad realities.

[Dave Burrell]

I thought this was the Joke thread. The above are sad realities.

so true, especially about the lawyers, politicians and judges

[Darth Lefty]

I never knew Husqvarna made motorcycles til I passed one on my Honda lawnmower.

[Dave Burrell]

Importance of Walking


1. Walking 20 minutes can add to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

2. My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60..
Now he's 97 years old...
and we haven't a clue where the hell he is..

3. I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

4. The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

5. I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

6. I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
...apparently you have to actually go there.

7. Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

8. I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9. The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

10. If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

11. I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill was enough.

12. We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our skulls.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

13. Every time I start thinking too much about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave,
I look just fine..

[EDH Jen]

Very thought provoking…
   
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
 

THE SITUATION:

You are in Florida , Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
 
 
THE TEST:

Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow the woman looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's Nancy Pelosi! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her under forever. You have two options: You can save the life of Nancy Pelosi or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful women.
 
  
THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer....... 

"Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white? "

[Dave Burrell]

Exercise for Middle Aged Men

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)



After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag

[Dave Burrell]

Thanks for all the warnings!!

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I no longer have lemon slices in my ice water at a restaurant without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose (although cell phone usage may be overtaking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fat I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Niemann Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your backside, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician. .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

[camay2327]

Subject: tiniest cabin

A social worker from a big city In NY recently
transferred to the mountains of North Georgia
and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came
upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.

Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.
'Anybody home?' she asked.

'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.

'Is your Father there?' asked the social worker.

'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.

'Well, is your Mother there?' persisted the social worker.

'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid.

'But,' protested the social worker, 'are you
never together as a Family?'

'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the
door. 'This is the outhouse!'

[quilt-n-golf gal]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office
and plunks down into a chair. She lets out
a sigh heavy with frustration

'What troubles you, Sister?' asks the Mother
Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent
with your family..'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play
golf with my brother. We try to play golf as
often as we can. You know I was quite a
talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed.
'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took
the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior,
astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a
monster, Mother, - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg
left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life.
I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's
flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted..
and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate!
But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still
trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs
out of the woods grabs my ball and runs off down the
fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized
Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother Superior!' sobbed the Sister. 'And
I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering
whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops
out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with
my ball still clutched in its claws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a
knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished,
'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the
squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him
right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his
paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms
across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and
said.. 'You missed the f*cking putt, didn't you?'

[camay2327]

Listen and enjoy.

Ray Stevens - I'm my Own Grandpa