367 replies to this topic

[camay2327]

Subject: Circle Flies

A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to
gather more support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers
the cowboy is from President Bush’s home area, he starts
to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single
syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that
were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says,
"Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what
they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well Sir," the cowboy replies, "circle
flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies
because they're almost always found circling around the
back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. But, a moment later he
stops and bluntly asks, "Wait a minute, are you calling me
a horse's arse?"

"No, Sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of
this country to call their President a horse's arse."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling
on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl
says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

[camay2327]

Frozen carburetor


In the fun world of the administration of justice, not all the laughs
are in the court-room. Indeed, giggles and guffaws can erupt at almost any
time or place. For example:

On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in northern British
Columbia, an RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was
swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.

"What's the matter?" asked the policeman.

"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.

"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

"Can't."

"OK, Watch me and I will show you."

The constable irrigated the carburetor, as promised.

The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the
father of the motorbike rider.

It began: "On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded......"

[camay2327]

NO NATIVITY SCENE IN WASHINGTON THIS YEAR!


The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.

A search for a Virgin continues.

There will be no problem however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Amen

[Bill Z]

NO NATIVITY SCENE IN WASHINGTON THIS YEAR!


The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.

A search for a Virgin continues.

There will be no problem however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Amen

thanks Camay

[Dave Burrell]

Let me get this straight.

We're going to pass a health care plan written by a committee whose head says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that hasn't read it but exempts themselves from it, signed by a president that also hasn't read it, and who smokes, with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes, overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and financed by a country that's nearly broke.

What possibly could go wrong?

[Squidward]

What do you get when you goose a ghost??
A handful of sheet!

[Bill Z]

> BANNED FROM WAL-MART...
>
> This is why women should not take men shopping against their
> will.
>
> After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her
> trips to
> Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
> preferred to get in and get out.
> Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to
> browse.
>
> Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the
> local Wal-Mart:
>
>
> Dear Mrs. Gilbert
> Over the past six months, your husband has been
> causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate
> this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from
> the store. Our complaints against Mr. Gilbert are listed
> below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras .
>
> 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them
> in people's carts when they weren't looking.
>
> 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go
> off at 5-minute intervals.
>
> 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the
> floor leading to the women's restroom.
>
> 4 July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her
> in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right
> away.'
>
> 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried
> to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
>
> 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign
> to a carpeted area.
>
> 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
> other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
> blankets from the bedding department.
>
> 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him
> he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people
> just leave me alone?'
>
> 9. September 4: Looked right into the security
> camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
>
> 10. September 10: While handling guns in the
> hunting department, he asked the clerk where the
> antidepressants were.
>
> 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
> humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
>
> 12. October 6: In the auto department, he
> practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of
> funnels.
>
> 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when
> people browsed through yelled, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
>
> 14... October 21: When an announcement came over
> the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed,
> 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
> And last, but not least...
>
> 15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door,
> waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet
> paper in here!'
>
> Sincerely,
> Wal-Mart

[Darth Lefty]

http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/

[folsombound]

Cougar Barbie (not for kids)
http://fridaypage.co...ougarbarbie.wmv

[Dave Burrell]

FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER ..........Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that
he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never
forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

[Deb aka Resume Lady]

These are hysterical! And I'm old enough to remember who all of these guests are/were.

FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER ..........Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that
he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never
forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

[Inwit]

These are hysterical! And I'm old enough to remember who all of these guests are/were.

Yeah, I could even "hear" that strange whiny cackle of Paul Lynde's as I read each of his reponses.

[Darth Lefty]

Did you know if you type "Jokes" into the Google search box it won't find you this thread?

aaaaanyways

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Due to extensive research done by the Fourchon University of Science, diamond has been confirmed as the the hardest metal known to man. The research is as follows.

Pocket-protected scientists built a wall of iron and crashed a diamond car into it at 400 miles per hour, and the car was unharmed.

They then built a wall out of diamond and crashed a car made of iron moving at 400 miles an out into the wall, and the wall came out fine.

They then crashed a diamond car made of 400 miles per hour into a wall, and there were no survivors.

They crashed 400 miles per hour into a diamond travelling at iron car. Western New York was powerless for hours.

They rammed a wall of metal into a 400 mile per hour made of diamond, and the resulting explosion shifted the earth's orbit 400 million miles away from the sun, saving the earth from a meteor the size of a small Washington suburb that was hurtling towards midwestern Prussia at 400 billion miles per hour.

They shot a diamond made of iron at a car moving at 400 walls per hour, and as a result caused two wayward airplanes to lose track of their bearings, and make a fatal crash with two buildings in downtown New York.

They spun 400 miles at diamond into iron per wall. The results were inconclusive.

Finally, they placed 400 diamonds per hour in front of a car made of wall travelling at miles, and the result proved without a doubt that diamonds were the hardest metal of all time, if not just the hardest metal known the man.

[Dave Burrell]

Some good Tiger Woods Jokes

Great song spoof - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEkomaBTppY

This song is hilarious!

Check out the Jimmy Kimmel bit on this site - too funny! http://www.trufan.co...-the-Front-Nine