367 replies to this topic

[Malamute]

A malamute said to a peke

"I ain't had a crap for a week,

I've only peed twice

and it came out as ice,

my bum's frozen, I'm up the creek!"

[eVader]

A malamute said to a peke

"I ain't had a crap for a week,

I've only peed twice

and it came out as ice,

my bum's frozen, I'm up the creek!"

Ruh roh!

[Darth Lefty]

Santa was having a bad day, and the angel came in with the Cristmas tree and said "Where would you like me to put this?"

[Dave Burrell]

This was bound to happen…


-What do Tiger Woods and baby seals have in common?

They're both in danger of being clubbed by Norwegians!


-Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree.

He couldn't decide between the iron or the wood.


-His wife Elin told police that she went for a rescue wood,

but it looks like she really went for the driver.


-Did you hear that he inspired a new Kung Fu movie to be released?

"Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant."


-Did you make it out of your own driveway safely this morning?

Then you can say that you outdrove Tiger Woods.


-Elin Nordegren got hired today as a consultant.

She's teaching Phil Mickelson how to beat Tiger.


-Did you hear about Tiger's last outing?

He drove into a tree, then ended up with a bad lie.



-What's the difference between a car and a golf ball?

Tiger can drive a ball 350 yards.


-What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning?

They went clubbing.

[eVader]

Phil Mikelson is getting tips from Elin Nordegren on how to beat Tiger.

[camay2327]

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville , MS . And bought a mule for $100.


The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day..


The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."


Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."


The farmer said, "Can't do that.. I went and spent it already.."


They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."


The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"


Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."



The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"



Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"


A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis &Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.


"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"



They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."



Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."



The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"



Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."


Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.



They're overseeing the Bailout Program.




Limit all US politicians to two terms.

One in office

One in prison

Illinois already does this

Maxine's Perfect Solution to Senior Health Care




Here is the solution:

While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program with my sister-in-law the other day, I think we have found the solution. I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care. A new hip? Unheard of. We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore. You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc. Let's take care of the young people. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.

So here is the solution. When you turn 70, you get a gun and 3 bullets You are allowed to shoot one senator and 2 representatives. Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need! New teeth, great! Need glasses, no problem! New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart? Well bring it on. And who will be paying for all of this. The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax.

[camay2327]

Si Senor


Let me see if I understand all this...
IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.
IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.
IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER, YOU GET SHOT.
IF YOU CROSS THE TURKEY BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN PRISON!
BUT, IF YOU CROSS THE U..S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET:
A DRIVERS LICENSE,
A SOCIAL SECURITY CARD,
WELFARE,
FOOD STAMPS,
AND FREE HEALTH CARE?
Oh well sure. That makes perfect sense..

[]

[camay2327]

This is not a joke but decided to put it here anyway instead of opening a new item.



Instead of forwarding emails that you receive it is suggested that you do the following.

Cut the email and paste it into a new document and then email it.

Read the below...


Advice from Snopes
Here is a nice little tidbit of information that came my way this morning. So if any of you are wondering why I didn't return something to you that said something like "if I don't get this back I'll"...or, "See how many flowers you can get back," or "Forward this to 10 people in the next 5 mins. Or something bad will happen to you," etc. The following is why .. don't send them back:
Advice from Snopes.com < http://snopes. com/ >

1) Any time you see an E-Mail that says forward this on to "10" of your friends, or sign this petition, or you'll get bad luck, good luck, or whatever, it almost always has an E-Mail tracker program attached that tracks the cookies and E-Mails of those folks you forward to.
The host sender is getting a copy each time it gets forwarded and then is able to get lists of "active" E-Mails to use in SPAM E-Mails, or sell to other spammers.

2) Almost all E-Mails that ask you to add your name and forward on to others are similar to that mass letter years ago that asked people to send business cards to the little kid in Florida who wanted to break the Guinness Book of Records for the most cards.

All it was, and all any of this type of E-Mail is, is a way to get names and "cookie" tracking information for telemarketers and spammers - - to validate active E-Mail accounts for their own profitable purposes.

You can do your friends and family members a GREAT favor (PLEASE) by sending this information to them; you will be providing a service to your friends, and will be rewarded by not getting thousands of spam E-Mails in the future!

If you have been sending out (FORWARDING) the above kinds of E-Mail, now you know why you get so much SPAM!

Do yourself a favor and STOP adding your name(s) to those types of listings regardless how inviting they might sound! You may think you are supporting a GREAT cause, but you are NOT in the long run. Instead, you will be getting tons of junk mail later! Plus, we are helping the spammers get rich! Let's don't make it easy for them!

Also: E-Mail petitions are NOT acceptable to Congress or any other organization. To be acceptable, petitions must have a signed signature and full address of the person signing the petition.

FINAL TIP: DELETE ALL EMAIL ADDRESSES WHEN FWDG & SEND BCC ONLY, THIS ALSO ELIMINATES SPAM.

[mylo]

SMTP does not have Cookies. The only way to track email is via embedded images, but even that won't get your email address, only your IP address. Unless you're sending attachments, sending email is harmless, albeit annoying.

[Stitch]

Curtis & Leroy got their accounting degrees at Sears and Roebuck. Their profit was $888. Forgot to include cost of the mule.

[mylo]

Curtis & Leroy got their accounting degrees at Sears and Roebuck. Their profit was $888. Forgot to include cost of the mule.

$898, the mule was only $100, unless you want to add on 10% govt overhead

[eVader]

$898, the mule was only $100, unless you want to add on 10% govt overhead

Doh! Got me. I had it right in my head (I swear) but typed it wrong but true it was government fees

[Bill Z]

There once was a forum in Folsom
And the politics were not always wholesome
With the blink of an eye
John said good bye
And the politic section is no some.

[Dave Burrell]