367 replies to this topic

[bishmasterb]

The U.S. Chief of Naval Operations on October 10, 1995, supposedly released this transcript of a radio conversation between a U.S. Navy ship and a Canadian source off the coast of Newfoundland in the fall of 1995:

Navy: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collison.

Civilian: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Navy: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

Civilian: No. I say again, you divert your course.

Navy: This is the Aircraft Carrier Enterprise. We are a large warship of the U.S. Navy. Divert your course now!

Civilian: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

------------------------------------------------------------

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,

'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair -
given that you are blind - that you should know five things:

1 The bartender is a blonde girl.

2 The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3 I'm a 6 feet tall, 180 pound blonde woman with a black belt
in karate.

4 The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a
professional weightlifter.

5 The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional
wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,

"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[BIG PAKO]

So a lady walks into a bar with a duck on her head. Bartender says: sorry we don't serve pigs here!. Lady answers: hey!, it's not a pig it's a duck!. Bartender replies: I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the duck!.

[camay2327]

The Republican Fisherman:

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat
below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help
me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,
but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied,
"You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet
above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level.
You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude
and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told
me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do
with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've
not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or
where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due
to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise
that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me
to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but, somehow,
now it's my fault."

[camay2327]

Double Death

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day, we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know."

Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now. Are you gonna be ok?"

"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!"

------------

NO Nursing Home for me!

With the average cost for a Nursing Home per day reaching $188.00,there is a better way when we get old & feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn for a combined long term stay discount and senior discount of $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for:

1. Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service.

2. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.

3. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. $5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. There is a city Bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The Handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp). To meet other nice people, call a Church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the Airport shuttle Bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

4. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too.

5. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

6. And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grand kids can use the pool. What more can you ask for?

So: As I reach the Golden age I'm facing it with a grin. I'll just check into the nearest Holiday Inn!

---------

[Andrea V]

Some are poor in taste, but I am not censoring it, just copy-paste!!!!



What is the difference between
a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the
Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between
a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between
a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between
a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women
they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.


What's the difference between
a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when
she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to
move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult
to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education
classes in Redneck schools
use the car only on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the
flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between
a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
southern zoo has a description of the animal
on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little
80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between
a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s---"

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

[doj_gal]

This one is a naughty one....

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we
Have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put
on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3
rings andwe're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL
2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to
makeLove all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL
1!"The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL
3!", they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL4!"
"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

[Jolene]

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

At first, I thought this said dyslexic "RabbiT" and I just didn't get it.

[ChipShot]

So a lady walks into a bar with a duck on her head. Bartender says: sorry we don't serve pigs here!. Lady answers: hey!, it's not a pig it's a duck!. Bartender replies: I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the duck!.

I still laugh at this one no matter how many times I read it........

[BIG PAKO]

Did you know that masturbation causes memory loss and a bunch of other things I can't remember?

[Andrea V]

Did you know that masturbation causes memory loss and a bunch of other things I can remember?

I like saying it causes hairy palms, and watching to see who checks their hands! haa!

[Andrea V]

I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware. He too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?"

"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time . . . nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift." Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained. I was impressed.

"Thanks. I had to ask."

"No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders.

As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back and forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters and busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but . . . uh . . . why, or what . . . about that string?"

"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the men's room, too."

"How's that?"

"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"

"Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the pocess, I asked, "Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use my spoon."

[doj_gal]

Please do not eat or drink when you are reading the following. You just
might choke from the laughter.


This morning, I was in a hurry. I was preoccupied with what I was doing
and rear-ended a car at a stop light because I was not paying attention.

I spilled hot coffee in my lap. "Great, just great", I muttered.

The other driver opened his door, exited his car and stared at
me. He was a dwarf.

He studied the damage to his bumper and walked toward me. I rolled down my
window.

He said, "I'm not happy!"

To which I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

I know...I'm going straight to hell.

[supermom]

that's too funny!!! Arrgh---I need to find some kleenex.

[MissMeliss]

Light Bulb wins.

Technically they are called lamps.

[doj_gal]

Two ladies talking in heaven:



1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman : I Froze to Death.

2nd woman : How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.