235 replies to this topic

[awood]

I'm really, really stuck in a hard spot. I want her to be happy. But, I just can't do it again.

Dude, they have pills for that now. And I have never even seen her, but I am sure there is SOMEBODY out there that would do it again!

[chris v]

Dude, they have pills for that now. And I have never even seen her, but I am sure there is SOMEBODY out there that would do it again!

I guarantee that there is others out there that would do it for her. But, she loves me and we are married.

[Nylaan]

Nancy, I don't think that is a valid reason to have another child. Anything can happen and to prepare for tragedy by adding family members is really not the right motivation, and kind of selfish.

I'm 0 for 2 on parents also, since I was 26. I have two much younger brothers, but they still have their father. I'm still the one who has to be strong and move on as an example (and do it 3000 miles away) and it has been fairly destructive to me as well. In the end, it all depends on your strength as a person anyway because in the end you still have to deal with it alone.

Since they are eight and twelve years younger, I was almost more like an uncle than a brother to them. I was out of the house right at eighteen for college and that left them at ten and six, and it was extremely hard for both of them to see them go. At this point I would even say I don't really know them that well, I do keep in touch but I didn't really grow up with them so there are some disconnects. If I'm going through something I don't go to anyone in my family for help or input. I'm the one they go to, now that my mother is gone.

My point is only that families are different, and the only real factor that matters in the choice to have a child is that it is coming into a loving family and not some logistical requirement.

[awood]

I guarantee that there is others out there that would do it for her. But, she loves me and we are married.

So have the kid. You have already listed 2 qualifications that most american households can't offer these days!

[chris v]

So have the kid. You have already listed 2 qualifications that most american households can't offer these days!

Umm, maybe you didn't read my first post on this topic.... it will explain it all....

My first post

[Nylaan]

Then, one day my friend's mom said, "when you only have one, you pin all your hopes and dreams on that one child. That's a lot of pressure." Wow. That hit me hard. That was always how I felt growing up.

Since being the only child for a long time, that wasn't how I felt at all. But I do think I developed faster because I had the full attention of the family and they would read to me and stuff. I was top of my class in high school and college and now my brothers have to deal with the pressure of being second best. If anything, I was more pressured to succeed later in life knowing my younger brothers may not.

I just think different kinds of families bring different kinds of issues, and people learn to handle the cards they've been dealt.

[Bill Z]

Umm, maybe you didn't read my first post on this topic.... it will explain it all....

My first post

Hi Chris & Andrea,

Ever consider adopting? You can adopt a "thing" that needs a loving family and have the "thing" be close in age to your current "thing". This way both "things" can play together, and both will be outta the house around the same time. When my wife and I got our "thing", it almost broke my wife, actually it did break her pelvic bone, but it also almost broke her permanently, beyond repair if you know what I mean. At that time, we decided if we ever were going to get a second "thing", we would adopt, but as things stand now, I think we will stick with being a one "thing" family.

[awood]

Umm, maybe you didn't read my first post on this topic.... it will explain it all....

My first post

I read the first thing, but I have the Conrad Dobler approach to life. In the line of selfish, I am at the front. But I like kids much better than adults. I am just giving you a hard time. My wife knows that if push came to shove, I would throw any adult under the bus in favor of a kid (her included). I figure adults are big enough to take care of themselves.

You guys do what's best for you and if you ever need a babysitter....or decide you just can't take it...drop it on my doorstep and know that IT will have a loving home.

[chris v]

Hi Chris & Andrea,

Ever consider adopting? You can adopt a "thing" that needs a loving family and have the "thing" be close in age to your current "thing". This way both "things" can play together, and both will be outta the house around the same time. When my wife and I got our "thing", it almost broke my wife, actually it did break her pelvic bone, but it also almost broke her permanently, beyond repair if you know what I mean. At that time, we decided if we ever were going to get a second "thing", we would adopt, but as things stand now, I think we will stick with being a one "thing" family.

Buying a "thing" isn't really an option for me. It's way to expensive. Some of these things cost more than cars.

[mylo]

[Nancy]

Just the fact that you're so concerned about how she feels and that you really wish that you felt differently shows how deeply you feel the way you do.

Unless both parents want another child, having another one will never be the right decision. I know someone who got pregnant on purpose when her husband didn't want another one and it's eaten at her ever since. It's a lot of guilt to carry around if you don't tell your husband that you did that. And if you do tell him, a huge amount of trust is broken that can never be regained. It can be built again, but once trust is broken it's never quite the same.

Even as much as I know having another baby is a bad idea for me, I still have the hope that it will happen accidentally. I think most women especially go through a lot of times of baby cravings. Sometimes they are really intense and last a long time. Which has got to be almost as hard to watch as to go through.

I really feel for both of you. It's just one of those things that there is no middle ground on.

Nancy

[Robert Giacometti]

This is a very sensitive issue that the 2 of you need to discuss privately.

I remember having this arguement in the truck and it was so spirited, that I missed about 15 minutes of Smokey and the Bandit at the drive-in!

To this day her husband still won't talk to me.

[TawnyK]

I'm 6 years older than my sister Drea and 12 years older than my sister Jill. And all 3 of us are close and very glad we have each other. I don't think the age difference debate matters much, sibling's relationships are based on how the parents parent and the individual personalities of the children. The V's kid is really great with my 4 year old when my 2 boys over to play. So, I don't think he'd have too much trouble adjusting. The V's are so blessed to have VERY supportive extended family who always seem to enjoy being around them. I think the V's need to talk it out and maybe see a counselor. Make sure that Andrea wants a baby for sound reasons and see if there is anyway that BOTH Chris and Andrea can be happy. They are a really great couple with a really great kid.

Chris, maybe remind Andrea that she will have to gain 35 lbs and lactate??
(that kills baby cravings for me)

Andrea, 2 things, one, my friends are in the process of adopting- I can get you that info if that's a possibility for you and Chris. If not, I really think no matter what you guys decide you should both seek couple's counseling because either way one of you is gonna have to cave and you both wanna make sure that there isn't long term backed up resentment poisoning the beautiful marriage you have.

[awood]

Buying a "thing" isn't really an option for me. It's way to expensive. Some of these things cost more than cars.

When your wife is pregnant, you get advice from everyone in the world. Anyone that has or had a kid thinks that they are justified as experts. As I now find myself as an "elder" in an office full of first time parents, I share only to quotes that have passed the test of time over the years for me and my wife.

"If I would have waited till I could afford kids....I wouldn't have had ANY".
- My wifes grandmother. She raised 11 kids and buried 2 husbands and is still driving school bus at age 85. She made this comment at a family gathering when we were asked about having another baby soon after the first was born and we were lamenting the financial strain.

"People will tell you that you shouldn't hold your baby too much and to let them cry sometimes and that they shouldn't sleep in bed with you too often. You hold those babies every chance you get! You love them and hold them and kiss them each and every day like it were your last, because someday that baby will be a man or women that doesn't need you anymore and you can never go back ."
-My wifes aunt. She raised 2 boys that are great men. She is a kid magnet that has a personality that lights up a room. My boys have always enjoyed the benefit of me taking this advice to heart and I am keenly aware that they are quickly becoming men. I won't miss a chance to let them know that they mean the world to me.

[Darth Lefty]

For the sake of the dignity and respect that all humans should have, can we please stop saying "thing," and say child or baby?!

When have you ever met a baby that had any dignity? I think I like 'em better without it anyways.