367 replies to this topic

[doj_gal]

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees"!

"What powerful rivers"!

"What beautiful animals"!

He said to himself.

A s he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.


He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. A t that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:


"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

[doj_gal]

The Polite way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good
manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if youwere on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you
tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute
I have to go pee."The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said, "I am sorry,
but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's
better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the
dinner table.

And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once
and show us your good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please
be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of
mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

The teacher fainted...

[Andrea V]

(British) blonde goes into her local pet shop in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign on the box says: "Sex Frogs! Only £25 each! Comes with complete instructions. "

The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody is watching her. Certain that she is not being watched, she whispers to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one of the sex frogs!"

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions. "

The blonde nods, grabs the box and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what the instructions tell her:

1. Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice perfume.

3. Slip into a very sexy nightgown.

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog beside you and the frog will do what he has been trained to do.

She quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens. The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems, please call the store."

So our blonde heroine calls the pet shop. The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions, but the damned frog just sits there!"

The man picks up the frog, looks in it's eyes with great concern, and says to the frog very sternly, "I'm only going to show you how to do it one more time"

[doj_gal]

Mexican Love Story


Maria, a beautiful Latina, fell in love with Jose. She planned to marry
him very soon. She was so happy about her wedding plans and decided to
tell her papa.

Papa told her, "Maria, you'll have to find another. Your Madre does not
know this, but Jose is your half-brother."

So Maria forgot about her Jose, and soon planned to marry Ricardo. But
after telling papa again, he said, "Maria, otra vez, there's trouble
still. You cannot marry Ricardo, mi hija. Please don't tell your mother,
but Ricardo and Jose are your half-brothers."

Maria had no choice but to go to her mama. Mama already knew and said,
"Mi hija, do what makes you happy. Marry Ricardo or marry Jose, because
you are not related to Papa."

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY...

[Andrea V]

Mexican Love Story
Maria, a beautiful Latina, fell in love with Jose. She planned to marry
him very soon. She was so happy about her wedding plans and decided to
tell her papa.

Papa told her, "Maria, you'll have to find another. Your Madre does not
know this, but Jose is your half-brother."

So Maria forgot about her Jose, and soon planned to marry Ricardo. But
after telling papa again, he said, "Maria, otra vez, there's trouble
still. You cannot marry Ricardo, mi hija. Please don't tell your mother,
but Ricardo and Jose are your half-brothers."

Maria had no choice but to go to her mama. Mama already knew and said,
"Mi hija, do what makes you happy. Marry Ricardo or marry Jose, because
you are not related to Papa."

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY...

HAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[doj_gal]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said: "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday." The second guy said: "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday." The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked:

"What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons... What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

[supermom]

Aw ha ha ha

That's funny Doj-Gal.

[Dave Burrell]

Sad day in the music world...

Larry LaPrise dead.

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,
it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which
almost went unnoticed.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey
Pokey", died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part
for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg
in.......... And then the trouble started.

[folsombound]

Sad day in the music world...

Larry LaPrise dead.

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,
it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which
almost went unnoticed.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey
Pokey", died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part
for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg
in.......... And then the trouble started.

[ngilbert]

Sad day in the music world...

Larry LaPrise dead.

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,
it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which
almost went unnoticed.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey
Pokey", died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part
for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg
in.......... And then the trouble started.

Sad news. I learned much about life from Mr. LaPrise. I've studied the world's religions, read the great philosophers, listened at the feet of some of our time's greatest thinkers.

But only Mr. LaPrise could tell me what it's all about.

[doj_gal]

A wife from HELL!!!

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says to the driver
"I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir".



The driver says "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your
radar gun needs calibrating.



"Not looking up from her knitting, the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear,
you know this car doesn't have cruise control."



As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and
growls "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"



The wife smiles demurely and says "You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did."



As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector
unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth "Damn it,
woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"



The officer frowns and says "And I notice you're not wearing your seat belt,
sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."



The driver says "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off
when you pulled me over so I could get my license out of my back pocket."



The wife says "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat
belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."



And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns
to his wife and barks "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"



The officer looks over at the woman and asks "Does your husband always talk
to you this way, Ma'am?"



"Only when he's been drinking."

[doj_gal]

Heart Warming Story!!!

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from

Northwestern University.



On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant

standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed

distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on

one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of

wood deeply embedded in it.



As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out

with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down

its foot.



The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look

on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.



Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with

his teenaged son.



As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures

turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were

standing.



The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off

the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times

then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.



Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if

this was the same elephant.



Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his

way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared

back in wonder. The elephant looked at Mbembe as if could see

straight into his soul.



The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of

Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him

instantly.



Probably wasn't the same elephant........

[mylo]

[Andrea V]

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!

[doj_gal]

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant,
who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and
drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle
and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be
landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could
just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and
rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't
hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your
trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

Shecalmly turned her head and said,"In my country, I am called a
Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a
beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I
outrank you. Tray-up, B*tch."