367 replies to this topic

[Andrea V]

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant,
who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and
drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle
and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be
landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could
just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and
rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't
hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your
trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

Shecalmly turned her head and said,"In my country, I am called a
Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a
beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I
outrank you. Tray-up, (censored)."

I loooooooooooooove that one!!! I heard it a long time ago, but it is STILL FUNNY!

[banana]

[doj_gal]

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City
to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to
his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have
baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the
stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby
dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby
planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?". The
boy said, "Yes she did". "Well, then, tell your mother that there
are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have
your mother explain that to you."

[supermom]

Funny!!

[mylo]

[doj_gal]

WOW that's ugly!!! She probably should have kept her shirt on!!! Two kids did her wrong!!!

[folsombound]

Hey! Thread hijacking in one thing but that was just nasty! This is supposed to be a joke thread and that is so not funny. BS has not done herself any favors.
Now get get back to the jokes!

[mylo]

Hey! Thread hijacking in one thing but that was just nasty! This is supposed to be a joke thread and that is so not funny. BS has not done herself any favors.
Now get get back to the jokes!

Go watch her performance from last nights VMA's, it was a joke!

[doj_gal]

Aging Aunt Mildred

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast".



Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[doj_gal]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, who loved to play together.
One day, the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog, and
began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse winnied for the chicken to
go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
Arriving, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for the
had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied
the farmer's new BMW 7-series. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped
off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's
life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the
chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and managed to get a hold of the loop of
rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear
bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward, and with
the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and
the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the
two animals was cemented - best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the
chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out
to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over,
and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to
"grab his thingy" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken
got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? When you're hung like a horse, you don't need
a BMW to pick up chicks.

[DalOwnerX3]

A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer's
yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt. The old
farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule
standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the
heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?"
The hunter said, "Sure," and headed for the car. While walking back,
however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car
and when they asked if the farmer had said okay, he said, "No, we can't hunt
here, but I'm going to teach that old cuss a lesson."
With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule.
As he exclaimed, "There, that will teach him!" a second shot rang out from the
passenger side.
And, one of his hunting buddies shouted, "I got the cow!"

[doj_gal]

Geography of a Woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half

discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with

fertile soil.


Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America , well

developed and open to trade, especially for someone

with cash.



Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot,

relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.



Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently

aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit.



Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain,

with a glorious and all conquering past.



Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia, lost

some wars, won some great battles but haunted by past

mistakes, still very strong and proud.



Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia, very wide

and borders are now largely un-patrolled.



After 70, she becomes Tibet .. Off the beaten path,

with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the

ages...still desirable but only those with an

adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual

knowledge and true love dare visit there.


GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN



Between 1 and 78, a man is like Iran, ruled by a

dick.

[Chad Vander Veen]

Q: What's the only part of a vegetable you can't eat?

A: the wheel chair (highlight for answer)

[Parizienne]

Weapons of Math Instruction


At New York 's Kennedy airport today, an individual later

discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying

to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a

protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.


At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft

said he believes the man is a member of the notorious

al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with

carrying weapons of math instruction.


"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,", Ashcroft said. "They desire

average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off

on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret

code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as

"unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common

denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.


"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3

sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.


When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If

God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction,

He would have given us more fingers and toes.


"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that

it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are

willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky

statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of

influence," the President said, adding: "Under the

circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our

point, and draw the line."


President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction

have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a

scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a

Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."


Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would

say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty

of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered

as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."

[Andrea V]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."