367 replies to this topic

[Andrea V]

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
"Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast.
Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such
a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.

"What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud
appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom,
"Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a snicker...


"It's not talcum powder.....It's 'Miracle Grow'

[doj_gal]

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had sex or even a date for over 5 years. Fearing that she might have something wrong with her, she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Woo Fong Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down on your hands and knees and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse."

[Andrea V]

The Mommy Test

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that. Why?" ' Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs."

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly, " . . . everyone knows this stuff. Um, it's on the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." Oh."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk,you have to be the Daddy."

[Solartide]

So I started dating this girl in a wheelchair a few weeks ago. She's a pretty girl, but lost the use of her legs in a car accident. I didn't know how to even approach the topic of having sex. Fortunately she did it first. The only problem was that she fantasized about having sex standing up, which of course she couldn't do. So her idea was that we would go to a remote place outside where she could hold onto a tree branch and hang while we had sex. Seemed weird to me, but sex is sex, so I did it. The next day I went over to her house and her Dad says to me "Thank you for what you did for my daughter." I was freaking, but I said to him "what do you mean?" He told me that he is very close with his daughter and that they have no secrets. So I asked him "So you know about yesterday?" He said "Yes. That's why I wanted to thank you, because most guys would've just left her hanging."

[Andrea V]

They panhandle in different areas of town.
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars
every day.
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives
in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do
you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?".
Jose says, .... "Look at your sign, what does it say"?
Carlos sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'."
Jose says " No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars"
Carlos says... "So what does your sign say"?
Jose shows Carlos his sign......
It reads, "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico"

[Darthvader]

When did Heath Ledger's drug addiction start?









3 years ago while filming Brokeback Mountain he became addicted to crack!

[Andrea V]

I stole the from Tawny...

Three couples are on a boat that sinks and they all die (wait, that's not the funny part)

The first couple approaches St. Peter, and he says to them, "You two were greedy and obsessed with money, and that sir is why you married a woman named Penny!"

The second couple approaches St. Peter and he says to them, "You two drank too much, and that sir is why you married a woman named Sherry!"

The third man turns to his wife and says, "I don't like where this is heading, Fanny"

[camay2327]

Check this out. Buddy Hackett on the Johnny Carson Show quite a few years ago.

Funny........

[Andrea V]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own f *** ing blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

[Solartide]

[Bill Z]

Once upon a time, three engineering students were discussing theology over a few cold beers.

The first student (who was studying electrical engineering), says God must be an Electrical Engineer, look at the inticacies of the central nervous system, the computer processing power of the human brain, yes, God must be an Electrical Engineer.

The second student (who was studying mechanical engineering), says God must be an Mechanical Engineer, look at the complexity of the muscular-skeleto system, the beauty in the joints for the opposable thumb, yes, God must be an Mechanical Engineer.

The third student (who was studying civil engineering), says you guys got it all wrong, God must be a Civil Engineer, who else would put a toxic waste pipeline through the middle of a recreational zone.

[mylo]

D-? I guess you get something for turning it in...

[dimeracer]

Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie.
Mickey (stunned): Why not?
Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but i can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy.
Mickey (exasperated): Your honor! I didn't say she was crazy... I said she was fu**ing Goofy!

[Andrea V]

The Spoiled Under 30 Crowd

If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their
tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what
with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways
. yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was
no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about
how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that...

I'm over the ripe old age of thirty , I can't help but look
around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy!
I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good
you've got it!

1. When I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to
know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves,
in the card catalog!!

2. There was no email! ! We had to actually write somebody a
letter ... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street
and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

3. There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music,
you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or
you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would
usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

4. We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on
the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

5. And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the
phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom,
your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections a gent, you just
didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

6. We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with
high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like " Space
Invaders" and "asteroids" and the graphics were horrible! Your guy was a
little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no
multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could
never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and
faster until you died! . Just like LIFE!

7. When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as
stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some
old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just
screwed!

8. Sure, we had cable televi sion, but back t hen that was only
like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little
book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!

And there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get
cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait
ALL WEEK for cartoons!



9. And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something
up, we had to use the stove or go build a fire ... imagine that! If we
wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing or a pan with HOT
oil and Real popcorn kernels and shake it all over the stove forever like an
idiot.

10. When we were on the phone with our friends and our parents
walked-in, we were stuck to the wall with a cord, a 7 foot cord that ran to
the phone - not the phone base, the actual phone. We barely had enough
length to sit on the floor and still be able to twirl the phone cord in our
fingers. If you sudd enly had to go to the bathroom - guess what we had to
do.....hang up and talk to them later.

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got
it too easy. You're spoiled .

You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,
The over 30 Crowd

[traceyl]

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear " the rules" from the female side.


Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be cl ear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If somet hing we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1.. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh.