367 replies to this topic

[Andrea V]

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up
from the couch then starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behaviour, asks,
'Where are you going?'

He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'

She says, 'Why, are you sick?'

He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that
Viagra stuff.'

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning
herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on
her coat.

He says, 'Where the hell are you going'?

She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'

He says, 'Why, what do you need?'

She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty
old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot.'

[Bill Z]

There's an old man sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out.
This young man sits down next to the old man.
He says to the old man, What's wrong? Is there something I can do to help.

And the old man says, no, you wouldn't understand. The young man says try me.

So the old tells the young man that he recently married this young beautiful women, that cooks a big breakfast for him everyday before work, when he goes home for lunch he gets a nooner.
At night when he gets home a wonderful dinner awaits him and afterwards they have wild sex all evening.

The young man tells the old man, well that all sounds wonderful, why are you crying?

And the old man sobbing horribly says "Because I can't remember where I live"

[tessieca]

Funny comic.

Attached Files

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[Solartide]

So this guy takes his girlfriend to an engineers' comedy club, but when the act starts, she's confused because the guy on stage is just shouting out numbers and getting laughs from the crowd each time. She asks what's so funny, and her boyfriend explains that they have indexed every joke in the world and assigned each one an ID number, so when he says a number he's telling that joke. This goes on for a while until the end, when the comedian shouts a certain number that really brings the house down, roaring, cheering, standing ovation, the works. The girl asks what was so funny about it. The boyfriend replies, "We've never heard that one before."

[Audi2539]

Supposedly a true story:

Air Force in Florida was assisting Turkish pilots back in the days by teaching them on their A4 Skyhawks. One of the planes engine died in flight and the Turkish pilot relayed this information to the base. The answer was swift, "Turkish student immediately catapult from your plane". Every Turkish student pilot who heard it catapulted. That day US Air Force lost six A4 Skyhawks, five in perfect working condition and one with a dead engine.

[Darth Lefty]

Supposedly a true story:

Air Force in Florida was assisting Turkish pilots back in the days by teaching them on their A4 Skyhawks. One of the planes engine died in flight and the Turkish pilot relayed this information to the base. The answer was swift, "Turkish student immediately catapult from your plane". Every Turkish student pilot who heard it catapulted. That day US Air Force lost six A4 Skyhawks, five in perfect working condition and one with a dead engine.

"catapult"?

[Bill Z]

There once was a young man from Nantucket,

Whose ....

aw never mind, you know the rest.

[Darth Lefty]

aw never mind, you know the rest.

And the other old lady says "Yeah but this one's eating my popcorn!"

[Audi2539]

"catapult"?

Eject

[Audi2539]

Two IT guys talking.
- My friend crashed a network yesterday in 5 minutes.
- Wow, that's amazing! Is he a hacker?
- No, he's a moron.

[Solartide]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee and
a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[Andrea V]

Only in America .​.​.​.​.​.​.​do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front​.

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Only in America .​.​.​.​.​.​do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,​ and a diet coke.

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Only in America .​.​.​.​.​.​do banks leave both doors​open and then chain the pens to the counters.

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Only in America .​.​.​.​.​do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

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Only in America .​.​.​.​.​.​do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight​.

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Only in America .​.​.​.​.​.​.​do we use the word 'politics'​ to describe the process so well:​ 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics'​ meaning 'blood​sucking creatures'​.

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Only in America .​.​.​.​.​.​do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


EVER WONDER ....
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Why the sun lightens our hair,​
but darkens our skin?
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Why women​can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
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Why don'​t you ever see the headline "​Psychic Wins Lottery"?
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Why is "abbreviated"​such a long word?
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Why is it that doctors call what they do "​practice"?
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Why is lemon ​juice ​made with artificial​flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
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Why is the man who invests all your money called​a broker?
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Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
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Why isn'​t there mouse-flavored cat food?
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Why didn'​t Noah swat those ​two mosquitoes?
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Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
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You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?​ Why don'​t they make the whole​ plane out of that stuff?!
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Why don'​t sheep​ shrink when it rains?
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Why are they called apartments ​when they are all stuck together?​
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Why myspace sucks at word processing?
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If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
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If flying is so safe,​ why do they call the airport the terminal?

[Bill Z]

REPUBLICAN BIKER

A biker is riding by the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A NYT reporter has seen the whole scene and, addressing the biker, says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'

'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'


'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride and what political affiliation do you have?'

'A Harley Davidson and I am a Republican.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads the first page:

REPUBLICAN BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

[Bill Z]

3 wishes

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'

The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.

The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'

The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'


Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.


Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife .



Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.


Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show


PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!


Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humor.

[Steve Heard]

An American guy married a girl from Mexico. She didn't speak English, but his Spanish was enough to get by.

She went to the store one day to get chicken thighs for dinner. Since she couldn't verbally communicate with the butcher, she flapped her arms, clucked like a chicken, and pointed to her thighs. "I get it!", said the butcher, and he sold her the chicken thighs.

The next day, she wanted some pork butt. Since she couldn't communicate verbally with the butcher, she snorted like a pig, then pointed to her butt. "I get it!", he shouted, and sold her the pork butt.

The next day, she wanted some sausages. Since she couldn't communicate verbally with the butcher, she brought her husband along, because......

He speaks English! (what were YOU thinking?)