138 replies to this topic

[Carl G]

The new Roswell:



Some will say this was just a hoax, but I think not!

[camay2327]

Getting Old

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question...

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up... He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door..'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.


An elderly gentleman.....

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'



Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'


Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen.. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'




A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'



Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'




One more. . !

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
“No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'


Now , before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh !!

[Logan]

A little ole lady finds a duck in her yard, it's not moving.

She takes it to a Vet for an examination and hands the Vet this limp duck.

The Vet looks at it and tells the lady, "Your duck is Dead".

The little ole lady asks, "Are you sure?"

The Vet says, "I'm sure."

the little ole lady asks "Can you check to be sure".

So the vet whistles for his dog, a yellow lab, and the dog comes in and sniffs the dead duck from head to tail, and walks away.

The vet calls over his Siamese cat and the cat sniffs the dead duck from head to tail and then walks away.

Vet tells the lady, "Yep, the duck is dead, that will be $150"

The little ole lady gasps, "$150 to tell me my duck is dead?!"

The Vet replies, "Well, if you would have taken my word, it would have been only $20 for the office visit, but after the Lab tests and the Cat scan, it's $150."

[camay2327]

How dumb can people be?

STELLA AWARDS

It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar
With these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who
Spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in
New Mexico, where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid
Off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who
Would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right;
These are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the
U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head.






Here are the Stellas for the past year:


* SEVENTH PLACE *

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of
Her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was
Running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably
Surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own
Son.



* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical
Expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the
Car when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.




* FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he
Had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson,
The automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the
Garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the
Door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it
Shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a
Case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's
Insurance company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury
Said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish.
We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are
More...




* FOURTH PLACE *

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the
Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being
Bitten on the butt by his next door neighbour's beagle - even though
The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not
Get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might
Have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had
Climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a
Pellet gun.




* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a
Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a
Spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink
Was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds
Earlier during an argument. Whatever happened to people being
Responsible for their own actions?




* SECOND PLACE *

Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a
Nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor,
Knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to
Sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover
Charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000...... Oh
Yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.


* FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv
Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot
Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game,
Having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph
And calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to
Make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the
Freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski
Sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't
Actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set.. The
Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?
She got $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home.. Winnebago actually changed
Their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has
Any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

Are we, as a society, getting more stupid?

[caligirlz]

Punography ~~



I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.


When chemists die, they barium.


Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.


A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.


I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.


How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.


I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.


This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.


I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words.


They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.


PMS jokes aren't funny, period.


Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.


Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.


Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.


I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.


Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?


When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.


What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.


I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!


Broken pencils are pointless.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.


I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.


I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.


All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.


I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.


Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.


Velcro - what a rip off!


Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.


Venison for dinner? Oh deer!


Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.


I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.


Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

[camay2327]

Wrong E-mail address.


TYPO?


WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS

This one is priceless. A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong
Email address!!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on
Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room,
So he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally
left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his
error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives
and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: July 8, 2010

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now
and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just
arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful
as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

[camay2327]

Not really a JOKE, but...

 

Subject: Best Military Quote:

 

 

"When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual, then it became optional, and now it's legal.  I'm getting out before the Democrats make it mandatory."

 

 

Sgt Harry Berres, USMC

[camay2327]

How cute:

 

Dog Finds A Tiny Kitten, Risks Everything To Save Her
Animal control officers in Anderson, S.C., thought that a barking shih tzu was stuck in a ravine. Turns out, she was there nursing and protecting a tiny abandoned kitten she had found.

 

 

http://www.buzzfeed....ing-to-save-her

I saw this in the news last night.  Thanks to some aware people there three bear cubs were saved.

 

[Darth Lefty]

The fiancee and I have been giggling over this one for the last few days...

 

You can't explain a pun to a kleptomaniac, they take everything literally

[camay2327]

Woman stops gator attach with a small Berett

 

Another story of how a woman armed can protect herself.

 

"Woman stops gator attack with a small Beretta 25 Cal pistol."

This is a story of self control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.

Here is her story:

While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Bogalusa, Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator that suddenly emerged from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus ... the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun.

[camay2327]

HOW  TO  CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD,  AND  DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

 

George  Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was  going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in  the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. 
George  opened the back door to go turn off the light,but saw that there were  people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who  asked"Is someone in your house?" 

He  said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing  from me. 

Then  the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your  doors and an officer will be along when one is available"

George  said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. 

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't  have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both;  the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up. 

Within  five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter,  two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'  residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. 

One of the  Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot  them!"

George  said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" 

(True  Story) 
I LOVE IT! 
Don't  mess with old people.

[camay2327]

Subject: The Gingham Dress or Don't go by appearance!

 

A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun
threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston and walked timidly without
an appointment into the Harvard University President's Outer office.
 
The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had
no business at Harvard and probably didn't even deserve to be in Cambridge.
 
'We'd like to see the president,' the man said softly.
 
'He'll be busy all day,' the secretary snapped.
 
'We'll wait,' the lady replied.
 
For hours the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally
become discouraged and go away.
 
They didn't, and the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to
disturb the president, even though it was a chore she always regretted. 
 
'Maybe if you see them for a few minutes, they'll leave,' she said to him!
 
He sighed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance obviously
didn't have the time to spend with them, and he detested gingham dresses and
homespun suits cluttering up his outer office. 
 
The president, stern faced and with dignity, strutted toward the couple.
 
The lady told him, 'We had a son who attended Harvard for one year. He loved
Harvard.  He was happy here.’
 
But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed.  My husband and I would
like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus.'
 
The president wasn't touched. He was shocked.  'Madam,' he said, Gruffly,
'We can't put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. 
If we did, this place would look like a cemetery.'
 
'Oh, no,' the lady explained quickly.  'We don't want to erect a Statue.
We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard.'
 
The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun
suit, then exclaimed, 'A building’! 
 
‘Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs?  We have over seven
and a half million dollars in the physical buildings here at Harvard.'
 
For a moment the lady was silent. The president was pleased.  Maybe he
could get rid of them now.
 
The lady turned to her husband and said quietly, 'Is that all it cost to
start a university?  Why don't we just start our own?'
 
Her husband nodded. 
 
The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment.
 
Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford got up and walked away, travelling to Palo Alto,
California where they established the university that bears their name,
Stanford University, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.
 
You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who
they think can do nothing for them.
 
A TRUE STORY

[folsombound]

This was way too funny not to pass on.  And way too true as well!

 

If Airlines Sold Paint

 

"From an airline Captain with close to three decades in the airline industry.  He says "I never really  understood how airline ticket pricing worked until I read this analogy. Perhaps some of the airline pilots and passengers on your mailing list might also appreciate this."

     

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

 

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

 

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

 

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

 

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

 

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

 

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

 

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

 

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

 

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

 

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

 

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in 21 days, or about 3 weeks. But you will have

to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

 

Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!

 

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

 

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

 

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on

any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any

more $12 paint.

 

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

 

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually

walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint

as soon as possible.  How many gallons do you want?

 

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.

 

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible

confiscation of the paint you already have. If you change any colors there is a $50.00 change fee,

even if it is the same brand.

Also, no refunds.

 

Customer: WHAT?

 

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop

painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

 

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!

 

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us

all sorts of problems.

 

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after

Saturday night!

 

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

 

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $12 a gallon", signs?

 

Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons.  One $6 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20.  None of the cans have labels, some are empty and

there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

 

Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

 

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen

and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from

anyone but us.  And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

 

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

 

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.

 

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

 

Clerk: Yes, and we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

 

Customer: You're insane!

 

Clerk: Thanks for painting with United!

[Deb aka Resume Lady]

Not a joke, but a very funny article.

 

http://www.huffingto..._b_3895583.html

 

Surviving Whole Foods

 

Whole Foods is like Vegas. You go there to feel good but you leave broke, disoriented, and with the newfound knowledge that you have a vaginal disease.

Unlike Vegas, Whole Foods' clientele are all about mindfulness and compassion... until they get to the parking lot. Then it's war. As I pull up this morning, I see a pregnant lady on the crosswalk holding a baby and groceries. This driver swerves around her and honks. As he speeds off I catch his bumper sticker, which says 'NAMASTE'. Poor lady didn't even hear him approaching because he was driving a Prius. He crept up on her like a panther.

 

As the great, sliding glass doors part I am immediately smacked in the face by a wall of cool, moist air that smells of strawberries and orchids. I leave behind the concrete jungle and enter a cornucopia of organic bliss; the land of hemp milk and honey. Seriously, think about Heaven and then think about Whole Foods; they're basically the same.

 

The first thing I see is the great wall of kombucha -- 42 different kinds of rotten tea. Fun fact: the word kombucha is Japanese for 'I gizzed in your tea.' Anyone who's ever swallowed the glob of mucus at the end of the bottle knows exactly what I'm talking about. I believe this thing is called "The Mother," which makes it that much creepier.

 

Next I see the gluten-free section filled with crackers and bread made from various wheat-substitutes such as cardboard and sawdust. I skip this aisle because I'm not rich enough to have dietary restrictions. Ever notice that you don't meet poor people with special diet needs? A gluten intolerant house cleaner? A cab driver with Candida? Candida is what I call a rich, white person problem. You know you've really made it in this world when you get Candida. My personal theory is that Candida is something you get from too much hot yoga. All I'm saying is if I were a yeast, I would want to live in your yoga pants.

 

Next I approach the beauty aisle. There is a scary looking machine there that you put your face inside of and it tells you exactly how ugly you are. They calculate your wrinkles, sun spots, the size of your pores, etc. and compare it to other women your age. I think of myself attractive but as it turns out, I am 78 percent ugly, meaning less pretty than 78 percent of women in the world. On the popular 1-10 hotness scale used by males the world over, that makes me a 3 (if you round up, which I hope you will.) A glance at the extremely close-up picture they took of my face, in which I somehow have a glorious, blond porn mustache, tells me that 3 is about right. Especially because the left side of my face is apparently 20 percent more aged than the right. Fantastic. After contemplating ending it all here and now, I decide instead to buy their product. One bottle of delicious smelling, silky feeling creme that is maybe going to raise me from a 3 to a 4 for only $108 which is a pretty good deal when you think about it.

 

I grab a handful of peanut butter pretzels on my way out of this stupid aisle. I don't feel bad about pilfering these bites because of the umpteen times that I've overpaid at the salad bar and been tricked into buying $108 beauty creams. The pretzels are very fattening but I'm already in the seventieth percentile of ugly so who cares.

 

Next I come to the vitamin aisle which is a danger zone for any broke hypochondriac. Warning: Whole Foods keeps their best people in this section. Although you think she's a homeless person at first, that vitamin clerk is an ex-pharmaceuticals sales rep. Today she talks me into buying estrogen for my mystery mustache and Women's Acidophilus because apparently I DO have Candida after all.

 

I move on to the next aisle and ask the nearest Whole Foods clerk for help. He's wearing a visor inside and as if that weren't douchey enough, it has one word on it in all caps. Yup, NAMASTE. I ask him where I can find whole wheat bread. He chuckles at me "Oh, we keep the poison in aisle 7." Based solely on the attitudes of people sporting namaste paraphernalia today, I'd think it was Sanskrit for "go funk yourself."

 

I pass the table where the guy invites me to join a group cleanse he's leading. For $179.99 I can not-eat not-alone... not-gonna-happen. They're doing the cleanse where you consume nothing but lemon juice, cayenne pepper and fiber pills for 10 days, what's that one called again? Oh, yeah...anorexia. I went on a cleanse once; it was a mixed blessing. On the one hand, I detoxified, I purified, I lost weight. On the other hand, I fell asleep on the highway, fantasized about eating a pigeon, and crapped my pants. I think I'll stick with the whole eating thing.

 

I grab a couple of loaves of poison, and head to checkout. The fact that I'm at Whole Foods on a Sunday finally sinks in when I join the end of the line...halfway down the dog food aisle. I suddenly realize that I'm dying to get out of this store. Maybe it's the lonely feeling of being a carnivore in a sea of vegans, or the newfound knowledge that some people's dogs eat better than I do, but mostly I think it's the fact that Yanni has been playing literally this entire time. Like sensory deprivation, listening to Yanni seems harmless at first, enjoyable even. But two hours in, you'll chew your own ear off to make it stop.

 

A thousand minutes later, I get to the cashier. She is 95 percent beautiful. "Have you brought your reusable bags?" funk. No, they are at home with their 2 dozen once-used friends. She rings up my meat, alcohol, gluten and a wrapper from the chocolate bar I ate in line, with thinly veiled alarm. She scans my ladies acidophilus, gives me a pitying frown and whispers, "Ya know, if you wanna get rid of your Candida, you should stop feeding it." She rings me up for $313. I resist the urge to unwrap and swallow whole another $6 truffle in protest. Barely. Instead, I reach for my wallet, flash her a quiet smile and say, "Namaste."

[Deb aka Resume Lady]

 

Captain Kirk watching Miley Sirus.