138 replies to this topic

[camay2327]

Here are a few good ones.

 

 

A wife asks her  husband,  "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of  milk and if they have avocados, get 6. 
               
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. 

The wife asks him, "Why  did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" 
 
He replied, "They  had  avocados."
               
If you're a woman,  I'm  sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the  first  time. 
               

My work is done  here.  
               
------------------------------------------------------ 
              

Water in the  carburetor 

               

WIFE: "There is  trouble  with the car. It has water in the carburetor."  
   
HUSBAND: "Water in the  carburetor? That's ridiculous 
 
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor." 
               
HUSBAND: "You don't  even  know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the  car?  
  
WIFE: "In the pool"  
              
===========================================
  

 

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST  WORRYSOME IN RECENT YEARS. 
               

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. 
 
That's scary.  
  
It means 75% are  running  around untreated. 
               
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                
A young man wanted  to  get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first  wedding  anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell  phone.  
He  showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.  
    
Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. 
               
The next day Meg went  shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. 
               
"Hi Meg," he said, "how  do you like your new phone?" 
 
Meg replied, "I just  love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but  there's one thing I don't understand though..." 
       
"What's that, sweetie?"  asked her husband. 
  
"How did you know I was  at Wal-Mart?" 
               

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
              

HE MUST PAY 

             
Husband and wife  had  a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me  again,  I am coming to live with you." 
       
Mom said, "No  darling,  he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with  you.  
               
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= 
                
Today's Short  Reading  from the Bible... 
               
From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth." 
    
Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

[camay2327]

Subject:  Craig's List

 

> AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST
> PERSONALS AD
> To the Guy
> Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
> Date:
> 2011-11-27, 1:43 am. E.S.T.
> I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that
> I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives.
> You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I  can only hope that you somehow come across this rather
> important message.
>
> First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I
> didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when
> I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was
> not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason..
> my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my
> 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just
> bought me that Kimber
>
> Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had
> picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.
> Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon
> when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
>
> I know it  probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd
> come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it
> was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave
> your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. (That prevented
> you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug
> us again).
>
> After I  called your mother or "Momma" as you had her
> listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of
> what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank
> as well as those of four other people in the gas station, --
> on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took
> 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
>
> I gave  your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's,
> along with all the cash in your wallet. [That
> made his day!]
> I then  threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile"
> that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the
> windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's
> side of the car.
>
> Earlier, I  managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the
> DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning
> President Obama as my possible target.
> The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I
> guess while he traced your number etc.).
>  In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but
> I feel this type of retribution
> is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened
> crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of
> these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope
> that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps
> reconsider, the career path
>
> you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time
> you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
> Thoughtfully yours, Semper fi,

[camay2327]

The "New American" Ant

 

 

The "NEW" Ant and the Grasshopper story, Two Versions: 

 

This one is a little different.... 
-- Two Different Versions ... 
-- Two Different Morals  

 

The "OLD" America Version...

  

The ant works 
hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. 

 

  

The grasshopper 
thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. 

 

 

Come winter, the ant is warm 
and well fed.

 

  

The  grasshopper has 
no food or shelter, so he 
dies out in the cold.

  

 

MORAL OF THE OLD STORY:

 

Be responsible for yourself!

 

   
                  Now "The New America" Version: 

 

  

The ant works hard 
in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house   
and laying up supplies for the winter.

 

 

The grasshopper thinks the ant 
is  a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. 

 

 

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper 
calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be   
allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.. 

 

  

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, 
and ABC show up to 
provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper 
next to a video of the ant 
in  his comfortable home with a table filled with food.   
America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

  

 

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper   
is  allowed to suffer so?

 

 

Kermit the Frog appears   
on Oprah 
with the grasshopper 
and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green ...' 

 

  

Occupy the Anthill stages   
a demonstration in front of the ant's 
house where the news stations film the SEIU group singing, We shall overcome.

 

 

Then Rev Al Sharpton's assistant 
has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper  
while he damns the ants. The Reverend Al can not attend as he has contractual commitments to appear on his MSNBC show for which he is paid over two million dollars a year to complain that rich people do not care. 

 

 

 

President Obama condemns the ant 
and blames 
President  Bush 43, President Bush 41, President Reagan,  Christopher Columbus, and the Pope   
for  the grasshopper's   
plight…. 

 

 

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid 
exclaim in an interview on The View    
that the ant has 
gotten rich off the back of the 
grasshopper,   
and  both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair  share.

 

 

Finally, the EEOC drafts 
the Economic Equity & 
Anti-Grasshopper Act 
retroactive to the beginning of 
the summer.

 

[camay2327]

Watch this guy on The Price is right...

 

[camay2327]

This may be a repeat, BUT...

 

Subject: Forgotten anniversary

 Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to

find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds AND IT

BETTER BE THERE".

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there

was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought

the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom

scale......


Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday!!!

[Deb aka Resume Lady]

I loved this, although I didn't get #7! LOL

 

10 Jokes Only Engineers Will Understand. Who Says Engineers Don’t Have A Sense Of Humor?   1. Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

1. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


2. To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

3. A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

4. What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

5. The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

6. Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

7. Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting coefficient of friction. Interrupting coefficient of fri.... mmmuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (μ)

8. Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


9. An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

10. A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."
 

[Darth Lefty]

Oh, tech jokes...

 

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are asked to find the volume of a red rubber ball.  The mathematician measures the diameter and calculates the volume.  The physicist immerses it in water and measures the displacement.  The engineer looks it up in his Red Rubber Ball Volume Table.

 

An engineer, a scientist and a philosopher are asked to build a fence to enclose the largest area.  The engineer builds a circular fence using all the material.  The scientist starts building a fence around the circumference of the Earth and asks for more funding.  The philosopher builds himself a tiny rickety enclosure and says, "I declare myself to be outside!"

 

A scientist at a conference has a fire in his hotel room.  He uses it to light the phone book and starts shoving pages under other scientists' doors.  When the cops ask him why he burned down the hotel this way, he says "I thought we'd get a solution more quickly if everyone was working on it."

[camay2327]

How men peel apples for a pie!!!!!!

 

 

https://www.facebook...335893426565493

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That’s why God made power tools.

[Deanna H]

How men peel apples for a pie!!!!!!

 

 

https://www.facebook...335893426565493

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That’s why God made power tools.

 

Love it!!

[camay2327]

30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes

A pub in Cork.

A group of American tourists came in.

One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think your great drinkers.

I bet 5,000 euros that no-one here can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."

The bar was silent, the American noticed one Irishman leaving, no-one took up the bet.

40 minutes later the Irishman who left returned and said "Hey Yank, is your wee bet still on?"

"Sure" said the American, "30 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of 5,000 euros."

"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."

It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.

"OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman..

"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American.

"But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?'

The Irishman replied, "Well sir, 5,000 euros is a lot of money to a man like
me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it."

[camay2327]

Practical -

 

At the end of the tax year, the   Inland Revenue office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the  agent was checking the books he turned to the   Accountant of the   Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do   with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the   Accountant. "We save them up and send them back to   the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of   bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster
purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on   a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the   Hospital Accountant, realizing that the inspector was trying to   trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the   manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of   plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster   the know-it-all   Accountant.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from   the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the   Accountant. "What we do is save all   the little foreskins and send them to the  Inland    Revenue Office, and about once a year   they send us a complete prick!"

 

[supermom]

Folsom VIP enroute

[camay2327]

If you sometimes feel a little useless, offended, or depressded.......

 

always remember that YOU were once the fastest and most victorious little sperm out of millions.

[TruthSeeker]

Here's a few funny one liners - be sure to add a drum roll and cymbal crash sound effect after reading each one.

(feel free to groan also as necessary)

 

Calves take well to bottle feeding because one nipple is as good as an udder.

 

Two astronauts who were dating put an end to it because they both needed their space.

 

Do you know why Noah's ark was built out of wood? Because they didn't have arc welders back then.

 

What did the mama tire and the papa tire name their baby girl tire? Michelle Lynn.

 

I know a guy who wears a blind fold at the shooting range. He doesn't know what he's missing!

 

A friend of mine swallowed a typewriter. Now he suffers from irritable vowel syndrome.

 

A noun and a verb were dating but they broke up because the noun was too possessive.

 

They provided a complementary lunch at the auto repair shop, but I didn't eat it. It was full of carbs.

 

 

[TruthSeeker]