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#16 Dave Burrell

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Posted 17 November 2005 - 09:17 AM

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever

2. Congestion

3. Nausea

4. Fatigue

5. Aching in the joints

6. An irresistible urge to poo on someone's windshield.

Travel, food and drink blog by Davehttp://davestravels.tv

 


#17 Dave Burrell

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Posted 17 November 2005 - 09:19 AM

Olaf and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.

"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands, "Vhere did yew git dat monster??"

"Vell", replied Olaf, "I got it from my Genie."

"You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.

"Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box," says Olaf.

"Could I see him?"

So Olaf opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"

"Yes, I will," says the genie.

So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks ... flying overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf.

"Yumpin' Yimmny I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew da genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?"

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#18 camay2327

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Posted 22 November 2005 - 10:36 AM

AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 - CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY.
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She Immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. On the fourth move, she had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man about (20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, '"Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself... But, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident'... I just lost it."
CASE DISMISSED!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A VETERAN Whether active duty, retired, national guard or reserve - is someone who, at one point in their life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount "up to and including their life". That is HONOR, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it. -Author unknown-

#19 camay2327

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Posted 22 November 2005 - 10:37 AM

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at everything, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking that he decides he must have it. He takes it to the owner and asks, "How much for the bronze rat?"
 The owner replies, "$12 for the rat and $100 for the story". The tourist gives the man $12 and says, "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.
 Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.
 The man walks back to the curio shop.
 "Ah ha," says the owner, "you have come back for the story?"
 "No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat, a bronze Muslim cleric & anything French."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A VETERAN Whether active duty, retired, national guard or reserve - is someone who, at one point in their life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount "up to and including their life". That is HONOR, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it. -Author unknown-

#20 camay2327

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Posted 22 November 2005 - 10:39 AM

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
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"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
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"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Marine Corps
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"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop
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"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
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"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
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"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General Macarthur
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"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." – Infantry Journal
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"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
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"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
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"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
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Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth
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"If your attack is going too well, your walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
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"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
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"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." - Anonymous
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"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit
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"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
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"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop
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"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
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"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
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"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
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"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." --From an old carrier sailor
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"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
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"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
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"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies."
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"Never trade luck for skill."
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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh s---!"
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"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
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"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
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"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
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"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
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"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
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"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."
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Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."
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"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
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"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
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"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ,
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"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
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Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A VETERAN Whether active duty, retired, national guard or reserve - is someone who, at one point in their life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount "up to and including their life". That is HONOR, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it. -Author unknown-

#21 camay2327

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Posted 11 December 2005 - 08:12 AM

This will explain a lot of the reasons we can't get some of the bills passed that need to be passed by the voter.


Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it".
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.
Caution! These people Vote
=======
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff"...
She ALSO votes!
==========
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . .
He ALSO votes!
===========
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. . .
My sister ALSO votes!
==========
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount...
He ALSO votes!
==========
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
My friend ALSO votes!
=========
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?". .
SHE ALSO votes!

take a minute and do this.
but you will want to keep trying if at first you don't succeed!
it's like playing baseball.

STRESS RELIEVER .....
Click to make the penguin jump and then, click again in time to make the
polar bear swing the bat to hit the penguin across the ice! Look out very
addictive!




If it doesn't load, copy and paste it into your browser.
A VETERAN Whether active duty, retired, national guard or reserve - is someone who, at one point in their life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount "up to and including their life". That is HONOR, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it. -Author unknown-

#22 mylo

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Posted 11 December 2005 - 02:12 PM

QUOTE(Selbstbeobachtung @ Nov 15 2005, 11:53 AM) View Post

IPB Image
Light Bulb wins.


Don't you need to do lightbulb vs "light bulb" (in quotes), otherwise you catch all the "light from the bulb" matches.
"Ah, yes, those Gucci extremists and their Prada jihad!" --ducky

#23 Solartide

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Posted 11 December 2005 - 07:31 PM

light bulb still wins

#24 john

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Posted 13 December 2005 - 01:21 PM

QUOTE(Selbstbeobachtung @ Dec 11 2005, 07:31 PM) View Post
light bulb still wins


that's because it's querying all the google results for "light" and for "bulb".



#25 Solartide

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Posted 13 December 2005 - 02:18 PM

yes, but i did another fight with "light bulb" and by my post i meant that "light bulb" still would win

#26 jagayman

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Posted 13 December 2005 - 11:40 PM

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Geeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

"Hey... have you two guys seen my goat out here?"

"You bet we did! Craziest thing I've ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
Jason Gayman
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#27 camay2327

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Posted 26 January 2006 - 09:55 AM

THE JAMAICAN



A Lawyer and a Jamaican man happen to be sitting next to each other on a long flight from L.A. To New York. The lawyer leans over to him and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Jamaican is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works . "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa." Again, the Jamaican politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The Lawyer figures that since his opponent is a Jamaican he Will easily win the match, so he makes another offer. "Okay, how about this . . If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the Jamaican's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless he plays, he agrees to play the game.

The Lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The Jamaican doesn't say a word, reaches in to his wallet, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the Lawyer.

Now, it's the Jamaican's turn. He asks the Lawyer . . "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The Lawyer looks at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his Laptop Computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress.

Frustrated he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up.
He wakes the Jamaican and hands him $500. The Jamaican Politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The Lawyer, who cannot imagine what the answer is, and is going nuts trying to figure it out, is more than a little frustrated! He wakes the Jamaican and asks . . "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The Jamaican reaches into his wallet, hands the Lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

A VETERAN Whether active duty, retired, national guard or reserve - is someone who, at one point in their life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount "up to and including their life". That is HONOR, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it. -Author unknown-

#28 camay2327

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Posted 24 March 2006 - 07:50 AM

LIVING WILL

Larry and his wife, Connie, were sitting in the living room and he
said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever
happens, just pull the plug."
Connie got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
A VETERAN Whether active duty, retired, national guard or reserve - is someone who, at one point in their life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount "up to and including their life". That is HONOR, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it. -Author unknown-

#29 Dave Burrell

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Posted 24 March 2006 - 08:25 AM

Pimp my computer

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#30 folsom500

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Posted 24 March 2006 - 11:39 AM

It is lunch time so a few oldie BLONDE ones - No offense the REAL blondes...
Lots of Blonde Jokes

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing
at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was
knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled
"PULLOVER!"

"NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company.
He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you
could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

A police officer stops a blond for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get
your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today
you expect me to show it to you!"

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled
the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was,
"If you are
in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

The blonde reported for her university final examination which consists of
"yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall,
stares
at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration
takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking
the answer sheet-Yes for heads and No for tails.

Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is still
sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately
throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I
finished the exam in half an hour. But I'm rechecking my answers."

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The
route they were flying had stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival,
the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to
eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he
noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the
hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the
phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get
out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried,
"one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that
says, 'Do Not Disturb'!"

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Q. There are three girls, all in the third grade: one a brunette, one a
redhead, and one a blonde.
Which one of them has the best body?

A. The blonde, because she's 19 years old.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

Q. What does a blonde say after she graduates from college?

A. "Hi, welcome to McDonalds."

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked
and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit
patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached
the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch,
shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps
and started to cry.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my
possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They
send me a BLIND policeman!"

Edited by folsom500, 24 March 2006 - 11:39 AM.

Another great  day in the adventure of exploration and sight.

 

 

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has"
-Margaret Mead-





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