367 replies to this topic

[Dave Burrell]

Homeless Man....

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

[Dave Burrell]

I SHALL SEEK AND FIND YOU...

I SHALL TAKE YOU TO BED AND HAVE MY WAY WITH YOU...

I WILL MAKE YOU ACHE, SHAKE AND SWEAT UNTIL YOU MOAN AND GROAN.

I WILL MAKE YOU BEG FOR MERCY... BEG FOR ME TO STOP.

I WILL EXHAUST YOU TO THE POINT THAT YOU WILL BE RELIEVED WHEN I'M FINISHED WITH YOU.

AND YOU WILL BE WEAK FOR DAYS.






ALL MY LOVE,
THE FLU

Now get your mind out of the gutter.............. and GO GET YOUR FLU SHOT.

[Dave Burrell]

WHAT'S A BILLION?

The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion," casually, think about whether you want the politician spending your tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases.

a.. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
b.. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
c.. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
d.. A billion days ago no-one walked on two feet on earth.
e.. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

[Dave Burrell]

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: ----- NAIVE

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2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

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3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?


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4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one
enjoys it?

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5. There are three religious truths: a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as
the Messiah. b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

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6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

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7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

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8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

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9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale
bread to begin with?

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10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person
who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

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11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

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12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

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13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? (I like this one)

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14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

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15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
(Hmmmm)

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16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older; then it dawned on me.....they're cramming for their final exam.

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17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. toothpicks?


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18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

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19 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are
the others here for?

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20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

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21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?

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22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

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23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

[ducky]

Thanks for the dog poo topic reprieve.

[Dave Burrell]

New drugs for Women.

A N T I B O Y O T I C S
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on makeup.

A N T I T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to heck for up to 8 full hours.

D U B M E R O L (or D U M B E R O L )
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person . Can we get naked now?

N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

S E X C E D R I N
More effective than Excedrin in treating the "Not now, Dear, I have a headache" syndrome.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.


And now, for the guys:


New Drugs For Men

[With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society...]

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

CAPAGRA - Caused test subjects to become uncharacteristically fastidious about lowering toilet seats and replacing toothpaste caps. Subjects on higher doses were seen dusting furniture.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and little accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

DIRECTRA - A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask for directions when they got lost, compared to a control group where only 0.2 percent asked for directions.

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when they are asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into special prosecutors.

[Dave Burrell]

Thanks for the dog poo topic reprieve.

after catching up today (been gone for a while) figured some different topics should be injected here to lighten things up a bit...or at least try...

[Mommy2Sydni]

Funny stuff!!!

after catching up today (been gone for a while) figured some different topics should be injected here to lighten things up a bit...or at least try...

[OceanGirl]

How many group posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...

another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....[COLOR=blue]

[Solartide]

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...

Light Bulb wins.

[forumreader]

Pretty funny, OceanGirl!

[ngilbert]

Here's one my mother-in-law told me:

Three couples are on a boat that sinks and they all die (wait, that's not the funny part)

The first couple approaches St. Peter, and he says to them, "You two were greedy and obsessed with money, and that sir is why you married a woman named Penny!"

The second couple approaches St. Peter and he says to them, "You two drank too much, and that sir is why you married a woman named Sherry!"

The third man turns to his wife and says, "I don't like where this is heading, Fanny"

[benning]

Here's a silly one that's been 'rolling around'

Subject: Death of Doughboy



The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast
infection and complications due to trauma of repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their
respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, Lil'l Debbie, Sara Lee, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two
children, John Dough and Jane Dough, and they
had one in the oven. He is also survived by his
elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at
3:50 for about 20 minutes.

[Dave Burrell]

Here's a silly one that's been 'rolling around'

Subject: Death of Doughboy

that joke was hilarious!

[Terry]

Baseball in Heaven (courtesy of Fr. Kim's homily, St. John the Baptist Catholic Church)

Sam and Joe had been friends most of their long, long lives and both were true baseball fans. Sam became ill and was on his deathbed. Joe was recalling all their good times watching baseball games together and Sam says "Joe, if there really is a heaven, you know there's gotta be baseball there. When I get there, I'll somehow send you a sign if there's baseball in heaven." Joe smiled, and said "yeah, that would be great". Sam dies. Just days later, Joe is sitting at home watching a baseball game and hears Sam's voice "Joe, Joe, it's me, Sam!" Joe leaps up, looks around, and says "Sam, are you in heaven? Tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

Sam replies "Well, Joe, I've got good news and bad news..... - the good news is that yes, there's baseball in heaven. The bad news is - you're pitching on Tuesday!".