156 replies to this topic

[bordercolliefan]

This is just too sad for words.  I just wish this child could have known that what seems like the end of the world at such a young age really isn't.  If he could have just hung on.  Things do get better.  My heart goes out to his family.

This is such a wise statement, Ducky. A few weeks ago when the girl was hit by light rail in R.C., apparently a rumor (now known to be false) circulated at FHS that it was a suicide. I talked with my daughter about how, especially when you are young, you always have the ability to change your life to get out of a difficult situation--you can go to a new school, be homeschooled, move to a new place, join new activities, hang out with a new group of friends etc. etc. I told her that as parents, we would always be there to help facilitate such changes if the need arose. There is never a justification for a "permanent solution to a temporary problem..." She seemed to embrace this, and I hope it's a message all young people get.

As an aside, one of the things that shocks me about this is that he was so young -- 12 years old. Honestly, while not being naïve I'm surprised that a 12 year old would have the means, knowledge, and will to commit such an act.

SunnyCA, I'm certainly not trying to stir up trouble between the schools. I'm simply reporting what my kids, both in separate grades at FHS, reported to me, supposedly hearing it from their peers, some of whom attended FMS. I realize that kids are highly subjective and that rumors and reputations tend to take on a life of their own among high schoolers... Whether there is any truth to it, and whether staff at SMS and FMS could learn anything from each other, I don't know. Of course you are correct that bullying happens everywhere, and parents and schools must be constantly vigilant to stop it.

[Carl G]

My heart too goes out to Ronin's family.

 

This sad story is yet another reminder for me to talk with the children about bullying, both giving and receiving.  I hope that all Folsom schools will take this as a reminder that they can do a better job at fostering a bully-free school and that Folsom parents will talk with their children about these types of situations.

[2kids4me]

I think this all comes back to parents.  It is up to the parents to know what is going on in their kids' lives.  I am on my kids' social media regularly.  I snoop through texts. I ask other parents about what is going on in school.  We, as parents, are responsible for this.  Our society loves to point fingers at everyone but themselves - the school, the movies, social media.  Yes, it all contributes, but it comes down to us.  

 

As for the FMS/SMS thing - that will never end.  For whatever reason, many people in part of this town like to hate on the other part.  I think many kids/adults from Folsom and SMS will always think they are better.  Whatever.  There will always be judgmental people in this world.   In the grand scheme of things, it's meaningless. Middle school is hard - no matter where you are.

 

I think this horrible tragedy should be a message to parents to wake up and start parenting.  Get connected.  Know what is going on.  Engage with your kids.  Whether your kid is the "bully" or the one being bullied, we need to check in and try to fix behavior.  Stop blaming and do something!  

[cw68]

I didn't read in the comments that anyone was saying one school was better than the other, but that recently bullying seemed to be a bigger issue at FMS. I also don't think there is anything wrong with that as, frankly, it could be helpful information.

Parents can have a huge influence, definitely. A few years ago one of my kids was carpooling and the parent who was driving was askin the kids which kids at school they didn't like. I told my child that that wasn't a conversation in which they should be participating. Afterwards, I did look at that parent a little differently - why were they asking? What positives could possibly come from it?

This has opened up a lot of conversations at home and with school mates from back home.

My husband was relentlessly bullied in high school. The school and football coach turned a blind eye. It still effects him to this day.

A very successful friend from home was a nerd and bullied through elementary and middle schools. He said today that the summers were his saving grace as he lived at his grandparents' summer home for those three months. He said the countdown to summer began the very first day of school. He couldn't wait to move out of our hometown and dislikes it to this day.

Because of my husband's experiences we have had lots of talks with the kids regarding this and I think it's helped. Because they are so close in age we have stressed the importance of having each other's backs. When my daughter's friend started 6th grade this year, she told her that she had her back, that if anyone have her a hard time they would have to answer to my daughter. My daughter has taken on that same stance with her friends, one of which has been having a hard year because of another student. It's good to see their friends rally together and try to do good.

It's time we all had each other's back a little more.

[bordercolliefan]

I didn't read in the comments that anyone was saying one school was better than the other, but that recently bullying seemed to be a bigger issue at FMS. I also don't think there is anything wrong with that as, frankly, it could be helpful information.

This is what I think, too. If this comment is coming from multiple kids, isn't that a signal that school authorities should LISTEN to the kids and try to figure out if there is a basis for it??? Instead it seems like a number of people on this Board would rather just bury their heads in the sand and not listen to what kids are saying. I don't see how that's helpful.

[bordercolliefan]

Because of my husband's experiences we have had lots of talks with the kids regarding this and I think it's helped. Because they are so close in age we have stressed the importance of having each other's backs. When my daughter's friend started 6th grade this year, she told her that she had her back, that if anyone have her a hard time they would have to answer to my daughter. My daughter has taken on that same stance with her friends, one of which has been having a hard year because of another student. It's good to see their friends rally together and try to do good.

It's time we all had each other's back a little more.

I think this is insightful. The other day I heard of a case where one kid at FHS called another kid "gay"-- in a joking, not mean, manner, but still. A girl in the class, whom I know to be both principled and relatively popular, turned around and said, "It's not appropriate to use the word "gay" like that... how would that make someone who's gay feel..." etc. etc. I don't know her exact words, but she let it be known that was unacceptable. That kind of peer censure is more powerful than all the sermons we parents can give.

I don't feel like I know much about preventing and addressing bullying--other than lecturing the kids not to do it, which again, I'm not sure is all that helpful. It seems like this child's parents did the right thing--taking him out of school--yet it didn't save him. Are there other steps parents can take??

Perhaps you might read my post more carefully.  Helpful information is information that is accurate.  But - y'all go on with your impression that it's only a real problem where your kids don't go . . .  that's burying your head in the sand.

So how do you know this information is not accurate? Multiple kids are saying it, yet you dismiss it as inaccurate... I guess if it's not what you want to hear, it can't possibly have any truth to it??

[asbestoshills]

IT'S the environment in Folsom. Parents are narrow minded and many go to right wing churches that don't accept gays. The truth hurts but it's the parents, the local churches and society that allows the bullying.

[cw68]

 
Perhaps you might read my post more carefully.  Helpful information is information that is accurate.  But - y'all go on with your impression that it's only a real problem where your kids don't go . . .  that's burying your head in the sand.

I am not thinking anything of the sort, so don't act like you know what I was thinking.

I think it's useful so I can keep this in mind regarding the kids I know who go to FMS.

Bullying is a problem everywhere.

Is that clear enough for you?

[SacKen]

 

...  I was shocked at the way the mothers were gossiping about students.  It was mostly about the way so-and-so's daughter dressed, who broke up with whom, etc.  It was awful.  It isn't hard for me to imagine those attitudes would continue through their children.

I've experienced this with the other parents in my sons K, and now 1st grade, classes. The parents remind me of "mean girls". At birthday parties and school outings, they just talk crap about the other kids and their parents. Hell, they even talked crap about the teachers and principal. And of course, they're kid was a freakin' angel.  I wasn't shocked at all when my son told me about some of the bully-ish behavior their children exhibited.

 

I don't think all the PSAs and school policies will ever eliminate bullies.  They have and always will exist.  The internet age has only amplified the effect a bully can have on their target.  Even those kids that they consider "friends" can be brutal.  All we can do as parents is focus on our kids and teach them that the bullies are the idiots and give them the tools and support to resolve bad situations.  Sadly, even as early as Kindergarten, I've had to start this by teaching my son that a friend doesn't make you sad and he shouldn't play with or be friends with the kids that make him sad.  Just that little bit of knowledge has made a huge difference as he plays with different kids and not those mean girl spawns.

[bordercolliefan]

Yes, I agree with cw--I would never say that bullying is not a problem at SMS or anywhere else.

As noted in my initial post, my kids stated that, to their surprise, some of these comments originated with former FMS students. Now, that doesn't guarantee their accuracy--certainly, it's not beyond the realm of imagination that high school kids love to play the "Our school was so much tougher than yours... you don't know how easy you had it at SMS!" card. Kind of like us parents recounting the 6' snow drifts we walked through to get to school!!

Well, we are getting off track. I hope that this event will prompt all school officials, teachers, kids, and parents to be more aware of this issue. I didn't know Ronin, but what a cute kid he was, and from Facebook posts he seemed to have many friends.

Since we don't know all the circumstances, I think it is hard to have a real conversation as to whether, and how, this could have been prevented. There are many issues that come to mind, which I won't raise out of sensitivity. Suffice to say, we don't have many facts here.

[nomad]

. Suffice to say, we don't have many facts here.

 

When has that ever stopped the forum from blaming parents, schools, teachers, right wing churches, or even society as a whole!! LOL! 

[supermom]

rolling my eyes right now. 

 

seriously. 

 

name calling, gossiping..does not and never will equate to bullying. If that is what drove this kid to commit suicde I would have to say the kid had a mental issues  and should not have been in that environment.

Stop blaming kids for being kids. 

Bullying is something so much more than name calling. 

Now if it was actual bullying- then hey great for the school identifying it before it became a problem (rmm, yeah right-o)

You cant blame other people for mental issues that makes someone susceptible to self-harm. 

It is what it is. Sort of like ... Darwinism. Yeah, that sucks - and may sound harsh- but it is so. Kids are gonna die before adulthood. Not all kids make it. Some by intentional self harm. Some by stupid self harm. Some by accidental stupidness, Some by murder from family members, gang, etc. 

This is just another form of kid death. Mental incapacitation. It sucks, but doesn't mean that other kids are necessarily being over the top or bullies. Calling someone names it part of childhood relational growth. 

What is sick- is adults on this forum wishing other children mental anguish. WTH is that all about? Grow up!! I believe we are supposed to be the adults talking right now, right?