53 replies to this topic

[Nancy]

The Negative-Nancy Group strikes again.

Hey! Don't drag me into this.

[Andrea V]

Hey! Don't drag me into this.

haaha!

[wrabbit]

While that is sad, in my experience that is not even the majority of the cases.

Well, in MY experience...there are three grandmothers I know personally, who are currently raising their grandchildren.

Drugs are the reason for two of them to be in that position. Their adult children were guilty of neglect. Rather than allow the court take the kids and place them in foster care, the grandmothers stepped up and took custody of them.

The other is due to the parent being in prison over a murder charge. Her son had a violent temper and got into a brawl once too often. It resulted in a death which landed him in prison for a very long time. The children's mother was deemed to be unfit. So, grandma got the chore of raising the kids.

I admit my views are negative, however, they come from observing current trends in our society. I don't really see it getting any better, by a long shot. It seems to get worse with each generation.

Here's a little more info.....


http://www.grandpare...andchildren.htm

[chris v]

Well, in MY experience...there are three grandmothers I know personally, who are currently raising their grandchildren.

Drugs are the reason for two of them to be in that position. Their adult children were guilty of neglect. Rather than allow the court take the kids and place them in foster care, the grandmothers stepped up and took custody of them.

The other is due to the parent being in prison over a murder charge. Her son had a violent temper and got into a brawl once too often. It resulted in a death which landed him in prison for a very long time. The children's mother was deemed to be unfit. So, grandma got the chore of raising the kids.

I admit my views are negative, however, they come from observing current trends in our society. I don't really see it getting any better, by a long shot. It seems to get worse with each generation.

Here's a little more info.....
http://www.grandpare...andchildren.htm

You hang out with some quality people...

[wrabbit]

You hang out with some quality people...

Yes, I consider these grandmothers pretty special.

They all did the best they could in raising their kids to adults, but peer pressure and the pop culture of our society won out, unfortunately. Their grown children could not become the kind of parents their own children needed.

These grandparents could have just as easily allowed their grandchildren to go to foster homes, but being the decent human beings they are, they stepped up to the plate and are now raising them in good homes.

We can't determine what our children will be or how they will turn out, even though we do our best to be good parents to them. It's one of the possible heart breaks of being a parent....to realize we don't have all the control, all the time.

Not all criminals come from broken or dysfunctional homes, as some would have you believe.

[awood]

We can't determine what our children will be or how they will turn out,....

WHAT!?! Okay, I won't make it a personal attack but I get tired of parents taking the easy way out and washing their hands of their failures. I KNOW I am regarded as a "hard a__" dad and I know my kids and their friends THINK that we are super strict. But I also get constant compliments from people that are amazed at my kids manners and respect. I am not raising soldiers by any means, but if my kid does something stupid...they are told so and punished appropriately regardless of whether its an inconvenience for me or anyone else. I have left resteraunts and came home from vacation early when kids couldn't behave....it sucked for me and for them! But I would bet my life that it won't happen again!

I know my kids (and everyone elses) will get in trouble some time. But I refuse to cast blame on anyone else or even worse say "There was nothing I could do!?!"

If you truly believe that you are raising kids with absolutely no control over how they turn out...why in the heck bother! Drop them in the woods and call them Mogely.

[wrabbit]

WHAT!?! Okay, I won't make it a personal attack but I get tired of parents taking the easy way out and washing their hands of their failures. I KNOW I am regarded as a "hard a__" dad and I know my kids and their friends THINK that we are super strict. But I also get constant compliments from people that are amazed at my kids manners and respect. I am not raising soldiers by any means, but if my kid does something stupid...they are told so and punished appropriately regardless of whether its an inconvenience for me or anyone else. I have left resteraunts and came home from vacation early when kids couldn't behave....it sucked for me and for them! But I would bet my life that it won't happen again!

I know my kids (and everyone elses) will get in trouble some time. But I refuse to cast blame on anyone else or even worse say "There was nothing I could do!?!"

If you truly believe that you are raising kids with absolutely no control over how they turn out...why in the heck bother! Drop them in the woods and call them Mogely.

Obviously, I struck a nerve with you. You sound like a very good parent and I applaud your being firm with your children. I am the same with mine, and I understand where you are coming from.

I wish there were a guarantee that would ensure if we raised our kids a certain way, they would turn out OK.
But there isn't. And to say that every parent, who saw their adult child go down the wrong path, is a bad or failed parent, is just wrong. Sure, there are some lousy parents out there, but not everyone who has seen their kids go bad, are bad parents. It's just not that black and white.

If you have not raised a child to the age of eighteen and feel that everything you do will turn out a decent, law abiding adult, I feel sorry for you. There are many other factors which I could cite, that blows your theory out of the water. Being a good parent does not guarantee you will have a good child.

I've known too many parents like you, who tried their best and still saw their children get into drugs and break laws, which got them sent to jail. These parents were just like you, in that they thought good discipline and rules of behavior would give them responsible, law abiding kids. Yet when their kids turned 18, they went wild and got into trouble anyway.

I think what parents forget is, their child is an individual with a mind of his/her own. They may mind you now and you might think you are getting someplace with them...then after they are on their own, they may not be able to handle the responsibility of freedom, temptation or peer pressure. You see, right now they can tell their friends YOU are the one who won't allow them to do this or that. After they are of legal age, they will have to stand up and say "NO" to their friends, and if they don't have the guts to do that, they will be in trouble. Even grown adults get prodded into doing things that are against their better judgment sometimes.
Most people want to be accepted, so go along with the crowd. To think for ones self and to be an individual seems to be out of style these days.

I've also seen some children come from pretty bad homes and up bringing, turn around and put their parents to shame with their better morals and accomplishments. How do you explain that? I can't, nor will I try. But I know one of my best friends had such bad parents, everyone was sure he'd turn out to be no good. He turned out to be a very respectful guy with a much better attitude and much more responsible than his folks.

Continue to do what you feel is right by your kids and pray they will decide to follow the right path after they are eighteen and feel they are their own boss. All we can do as parents, is our best. After that, it's up to them. They will have to make their own choices in life and if they are wrong choices, it won't be because you failed as a parent. It will be because THEY failed as a human being.

[Bill Z]

Obviously, I struck a nerve with you. You sound like a very good parent and I applaud your being firm with your children. I am the same with mine, and I understand where you are coming from.

I wish there were a guarantee that would ensure if we raised our kids a certain way, they would turn out OK.
But there isn't. And to say that every parent, who saw their adult child go down the wrong path, is a bad or failed parent, is just wrong. Sure, there are some lousy parents out there, but not everyone who has seen their kids go bad, are bad parents. It's just not that black and white.

If you have not raised a child to the age of eighteen and feel that everything you do will turn out a decent, law abiding adult, I feel sorry for you. There are many other factors which I could cite, that blows your theory out of the water. Being a good parent does not guarantee you will have a good child.

I've known too many parents like you, who tried their best and still saw their children get into drugs and break laws, which got them sent to jail. These parents were just like you, in that they thought good discipline and rules of behavior would give them responsible, law abiding kids. Yet when their kids turned 18, they went wild and got into trouble anyway.

I think what parents forget is, their child is an individual with a mind of his/her own. They may mind you now and you might think you are getting someplace with them...then after they are on their own, they may not be able to handle the responsibility of freedom, temptation or peer pressure. You see, right now they can tell their friends YOU are the one who won't allow them to do this or that. After they are of legal age, they will have to stand up and say "NO" to their friends, and if they don't have the guts to do that, they will be in trouble. Even grown adults get prodded into doing things that are against their better judgment sometimes.
Most people want to be accepted, so go along with the crowd. To think for ones self and to be an individual seems to be out of style these days.

I've also seen some children come from pretty bad homes and up bringing, turn around and put their parents to shame with their better morals and accomplishments. How do you explain that? I can't, nor will I try. But I know one of my best friends had such bad parents, everyone was sure he'd turn out to be no good. He turned out to be a very respectful guy with a much better attitude and much more responsible than his folks.

Continue to do what you feel is right by your kids and pray they will decide to follow the right path after they are eighteen and feel they are their own boss. All we can do as parents, is our best. After that, it's up to them. They will have to make their own choices in life and if they are wrong choices, it won't be because you failed as a parent. It will be because THEY failed as a human being.

Very good post. I haven't experienced the teenage years yet as a parent, but I remember how I was. What I do know is that at the moment, I consider myself very lucky and blessed to have my son, as the way he is. My son is very good, not perfect mind you, but is a far better little person than I feel I can take credit for as a parent. He continues to impress me and I continue to try and do my best as a parent, but I also see where I make mistakes as a parent. I just hope that he continues to be the pride & joy of my life as he grows up. I think he will, but one never really knows until it happens. Part of how a child becomes as an adult is nurture, but some is also nature. Not to say that the parents had bad genes, just that the mix of the two didn't produce the results that all good parents hope for. My son has a cousin that comes from nice and good parents, but he exhibits much more aggressive and sometimes mean behavior that is opposite to the other siblings of the same parents.

[awood]

Being a good parent does not guarantee you will have a good child.

..nor does being a bad one. I hear what you are saying, and agree on some level. My personal pet peeve is when parents excuse themselves from all responsability by saying "It's beyond my control, I did the best I could."

I accept total responability for my kids actions until they are 18, period. Beyond that, if they head south (whether it's drugs, character issues, whatever) I personally accept the role that I had in building that person. I will always look back and ask the coulda/shoulda/woulda questions. We all wish they would hand us the book as we leave the hospital titled "How to raise the perfect child." But it's all an experiment from the first diaper change to the wedding and beyond.