24 replies to this topic

[MemphisGirl]

Hey all. I have a problem with my 9 year old and I don't know what to do. He has always been overly sensitive but lately we think he's been suffering from premature adolecent angst! He cries and screams at the drop of a hat, throws tantrums that would make any two year old proud and constantly reminds us how every day is the "worst day ever". Don't even dare offer any advice on anything as he takes it as a personal attack and comes unglued. He's disrespectful and will flat out tell me that he doesn't have to do what I tell him to. We also expect that he suffers from mild anxiety as he gets scared easily and about once a week has a hard time going to sleep at night because of this. He suffers symptoms like an uneasiness in his chest and a lump in his throat and very regularly tells us that he doesn't feel well but can't tell us why which leads to more tears and tantrums if we refuse to lay with him until he falls asleep.

I might expect some of this behavior from a pre-teen or teen. But this just doesn't seem normal to me. We are considering therapy or counseling which is soemthing I already know he'll flat out refuse to do. Any suggestoins or insight?

BTW, this child is perfect at school or with anyone else. He is a teachers dream and anyone who knows him would be shocked if they knew that he behaved this way at home!

Help!

[benning]

Memphis Girl, I feel for you and urge you to be patient. I wish I had been more patient with expectations for my kids. By patience I don't mean to wuss out or give in but to try to observe, learn and speculate on your own for a while, particulary before you drag him into therapy which he can easily sabotage.

There may be something underlying that he is embarassed to communicate or might feel ashamed about. He may not want to disappoint you by being honest about his own feelings of inadequacy which are common at this age. I know my son started to clam up and hide things about that age and I found myself guessing about his motivations. I still struggle with this somewhat today (he's 19)

So, deal with the behaviors quickly and calmly each time without escalating the anxiety quotent in the home, if possible. I think the best thing you can do short term is to read up on the subject yourself, discuss it with your husband and look for, praise and reward anything positive you see. Becareful how you do this, because I occasionally sabotage my progress by 'conditionally' praising my kids. You know, 'that was excellent, but have you ever tried 'y'?' They can see right through this as a ploy and often interpret it to mean you think they're inadequate even as you're trying to communicate the oppostite.

He sounds like a bright child. Best of luck.

[Deb aka Resume Lady]

Benning makes some excellent points. Hormones could very well be starting to kick in. The temper tantrums, easily flying off the handle, not liking to be criticized -- I think these are fairly normal. Trying to look for something to praise is an excellent way to ease out of the negative cycle.

Does your son describe the uneasiness in his chest and lump in his throat as times he feels like crying? That wouldn't be uncommon. However, if he has these symptoms more as a sign of anxiety, he may need some help dealing with it. You may want to discuss this with his pediatrician. If your son has abnormally high anxiety, he may need professional help to deal with it.

[tgianco]

Not that you are doing it, but it seems society at large places undue demand on kids at earlier and earlier ages. Is there immense pressure to perform well at school (not just from you, but from the community in general)? For instance, when I lived in Briggs Ranch, parents would brag about the performance of the school on the aptitude tests, and there was big pressure on the kids to keep those scores up.

The pressures that we place on kids at such an early age could be causing the pain in his chest (just a thought).

One of the other things I have noticed (even w/ my nephews and nieces) is that they are involved in so many activities (going from baseball to soccer to whatever) that there is no downtime. Kids don't need so much structure or to have all of their time planned out for them like they are in middle management. There's something to be said for giving them their own leisure time to be creative, contemplative or whatever to discover the world around them or just about themselves.

Again, not saying that is happening in your case, but these are just thoughts I have in general when I see the shuttle service that some parents seem to run. I hope I don't end up being a hypocrite and doing the same, but I can also understand from a parents' perspective as well.

Was I just all over the board on this? Did I make sense? Maybe it's time for another cup of coffee (oh yeah, don't get your kids started on coffee this early).

[Brett911]

sounds like my 9 year old at times. seems perfectly normal based upon conversations with other parents.

kids are kids, let them grow up without drugs, shrinks and being labled.

just stay on top of him and guide him through this time.

Hey all. I have a problem with my 9 year old and I don't know what to do. He has always been overly sensitive but lately we think he's been suffering from premature adolecent angst! He cries and screams at the drop of a hat, throws tantrums that would make any two year old proud and constantly reminds us how every day is the "worst day ever". Don't even dare offer any advice on anything as he takes it as a personal attack and comes unglued. He's disrespectful and will flat out tell me that he doesn't have to do what I tell him to. We also expect that he suffers from mild anxiety as he gets scared easily and about once a week has a hard time going to sleep at night because of this. He suffers symptoms like an uneasiness in his chest and a lump in his throat and very regularly tells us that he doesn't feel well but can't tell us why which leads to more tears and tantrums if we refuse to lay with him until he falls asleep.

I might expect some of this behavior from a pre-teen or teen. But this just doesn't seem normal to me. We are considering therapy or counseling which is soemthing I already know he'll flat out refuse to do. Any suggestoins or insight?

BTW, this child is perfect at school or with anyone else. He is a teachers dream and anyone who knows him would be shocked if they knew that he behaved this way at home!

Help!

[bordercolliefan]

MemphisGirl, I just want to offer my sympathies. All of us are trying to do our best as parents, and when our children's behavior doesn't seem to reflect or appreciate that, it is scary and frustrating.

I'm not sure I have any real advice to offer. I was going to suggest that family therapy might help, but Benning's points seem reasonable, too. I haven't had any experience with older kids (mine are still kindergarten age -- the easy years!). I believe I did read that the "tweener" years are tough for kids as they are stretching to be independent but aren't completely ready for it. --They can't act like little kids anymore, but they're not teens yet, either.

Just know that all of us parents sympathize with you. The one bright side (?) is that I have often found that just as I become terribly worried about something with my child... they move on and there is something different to worry about.

[Farley]

Hi NRB,

We are sorry to hear of the behavior changes in your nine year old. When we met him, just before you moved, he was so pleasant and mature. He was proud of the dogs and the fish and told us all about them.

Do you suppose this is a reaction caused by moving from Folsom to Memphis, TN? How has he adjusted to the move? Has he made any new friends?

I hope it does not have something to do with his brother. Is he still as protective of his sibling?

There probably is something going on that he can't talk about, and he may not even be able to describe it himself. Nine is very young to handle the move across country and to talk about something he may not understand himself.

We wish you and your husband and the kids the very best.

[benning]

Yes, a good deal of emotional and physical maturity is simply developmental. Just when I start to get all worked up about something my kid has or has not done and try to decide whether or not to intervene, it usually clears itself out.

[MemphisGirl]

Thank you for all of the replies. They are all good advice.

I think you are right Farley. I can tell that something in him has "changed" and he doesn't know how to tell us. That's why I think counseling might help. I have considered that the move could be part of the problem but he has adjusted very well.

My kids are the opposite of todays norm. My 9 year old only participates in Taekwondo and is not over "booked". However, he has not expressed any desire to have friends over and though he gets along very well with his classmates (and gets invited to all of the birthday parties) he did not develop any "friendships" this past school year. School work comes easy for him. He gets straight A's with minimal effort. We stress that our children always strive to do their best but I don't think there has been extreme pressure to perform.

I have to recognize that our family dynamic is not typical. Our oldest son (11) has mulitple disabilities and I myself have had a rough year with rheumatoid arthritis and a ruptured disk in my back. Now top that off with a cross country move and well...I just want to help him now before all of this is internalized and becomes something harder to deal with.

As far as the anxiety, some of his "attacks" are understandable. Like when tornado warning flash across the television screen. But he is often unconsolable over little things and doesn't find my or my husbands presence comforting. For example, he sometimes panics when he's eating and feels like he has something caught in his throat. Or when we go on walks he'll panic if it starts to get dark even though he is with both parent and we're only a block or so from home. We had a lot of rain early this summer and we sprang a couple leaks in our new home and he freaked out. My other son just laughed and thought it was amusing but my nine year old thought it was the end of the world and said he wanted to move. All in all, it's the symptoms in combination with being inconsolable that has me worried.

Sorry for the long post.

[bordercolliefan]

My 6 year old is quite fearful, too. At the slightest sign of a cloud, she wants to run inside in case there is a thunderstorm. She is very frightened of fire and of fireworks. I sometimes think we emphasize the myriad dangers of life so much (my fault -- I'm a safety freak), that our more sensitive children can turn quite fearful.

[john]

I bet moving to a new place may have something to do with it... I moved across the country at that age and it was hard to fit in with new friends. Perhaps he'd be interested in joining a sports team, boy scouts, something that he can be part of some sort of team? Without knowing much of the situation, it may be a considerable factor.

[LexHillsmom]

MemphisGirl, I empathize with your struggle. It is so hard when our children who we love so much puzzle us with their behavior. I also have a special needs child and two other "normal" children and know how family dynamics are impacted as a result.

A couple of things sprang up in my mind after reading your post. One, you mentioned his poor behavior only happens at home - not around others or at school. Based on personal experience, it sounds like your son may be pushing for limits and manipulating you to get what he wants. If he can turn on good behavior at school and with others it seems possible he may be making the choice to misbehave at home - because he can. Also, a nine year old should not be able to "flat our refuse to go to counseling" - if that is the case he has WAY too much power. I also remember having those same feelings you expressed about thinking my son's misbehavior at age nine was more like that of a teen.

I had such a hard time enforcing limits and consequences and being consistent with my son because dealing with my autistic daughter drained so much of my time and energy. It wasn't until after intensive family counseling (I would not recommend individual counseling for your son) explored the family dynamics that contributed to his behavior. There are such stressors on families with a child with a disability and even the best of them often experience marriage problems, sibling issues and burnout - any of which affect children.

I encourage you to seek professional guidance and reign this problem in before your son gets any older. His telling you that he doesn't have to do what you say is a bad sign. My son had alot of anxiety as well and I spent years scratching my head trying to figure it all out. We had the fortune of getting an incredible counseler who enabled us to understand how children with poor boundaries and parents who overindulge them either materialistically, emotionally or both are often very anxious. Kids want and need boundaries and limits and they count on their parents to provide them - they don't feel safe without them.

The family counseling has literally saved our family. I am happy to say that our now 16 year old son is a remarkable, kind, empathetic, humble and respectful young man. Our marriage has improved. Family life is much more harmonious.

MemphisGirl, this is all based only on my personal experience and only food for thought for you. Your son's issues may not have anything to do with what I've just said. I wish you all the best and you're in my thoughts and prayers.

[Cloud9]

because dealing with my autistic daughter drained so much of my time and energy. 

At what point and how did you know your daughter was autistic? We hear so much about this nowadays...

[Steve Heard]

Wow! So many great replies!

My two-cents:

* A develpmental stage - Kids get frustrated and fearful once the bloom is off the rose
* The move - The change can be devastating, particularly when the whole climate, literally, is different
* Pressure - The kind a kid puts on him/her self can create anxiety and that anxiety can manifest itself in different way
* Control - He has no control over anything in his life, and behaves as he should in society. Home is the one place he can release.

I'm no expert, but am raising two kids myself, and do what research I can, and talk to parents all the time.

[LexHillsmom]

At what point and how did you know your daughter was autistic?  We hear so much about this nowadays...

In my gut I worried something wasn't right when she was a tiny infant. In most ways, she was developing normally. But it wasn't until she was 18 months old that her pediatrician starting taking my concerns seriously. I hear this scenario often from other parents of special needs children. The diagnosis came on her second birthday.

I've learned to listen to my gut!