Jump to content






Photo
- - - - -

Jokes for today


  • Please log in to reply
367 replies to this topic

#31 cw68

cw68

    Hopeless Addict

  • Premium Member
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 10,370 posts
  • Gender:Not Telling

Posted 27 March 2006 - 09:29 AM

The Miracle of Toilet Paper

Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me they are not, he uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replied.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he said, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.



#32 Dave Burrell

Dave Burrell

    Folsom Citizen

  • Moderator
  • 17,588 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Folsom
  • Interests:Beer, Photography, Travel, Art

Posted 27 March 2006 - 11:10 AM

You are no longer "cool" when .....

1. You find yourself listening to talk radio.

2. You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.

3. The pattern on your shorts and couch match.

4. You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.

5. Your wife buys a flannel nighty and you find that sexy.

6. You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a
new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.

7. You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-
inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Pink Floyd and
Black Sabbath.

8. You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of
grabbing beer and joining in.

9. You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you
have to work the next day.

10. When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.

11. When jogging is something you do to your memory.

12. Rocking all night means dozing off in your rocking chair.

13. Sex becomes: "All that foolishness."

14. Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.

15. All the cars behind you flash their headlights.

16. You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a
corporation.

17. You bought your first car for the same price you paid
for your son's new running shoes.

18. You actually ASK for your father's advice.

19. You don't know how to operate a fax machine.

20. When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a
surf board

Travel, food and drink blog by Davehttp://davestravels.tv

 


#33 cw68

cw68

    Hopeless Addict

  • Premium Member
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 10,370 posts
  • Gender:Not Telling

Posted 27 March 2006 - 11:53 AM

QUOTE(davburr @ Mar 27 2006, 11:10 AM) View Post

17. You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.

Oh my, that's too true; my first car (a 1977 Honda Civic) cost $200.

#34 camay2327

camay2327

    GO NAVY

  • Moderator
  • 11,481 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Folsom

Posted 11 April 2006 - 08:15 AM

Collard Greens


An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig
his yearly collard green garden, but it was always very hard work for
him because the ground was hard. His only son, Junebug Jankins III,
who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his
son and described his predicament.

Dear Junebug Jankins the III,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able
to plant my collard green garden this year. I'm just getting too old
to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be
over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Daddy Jankins,
Whatever you do, don't dig up that garden. That's where
I buried the BODIES.
Love Junebug Jankins III

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived
and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized
to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another
letter from his son.

Dear Daddy Jankins,
You can go ahead and plant the collard greens now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Junebug III
A VETERAN Whether active duty, retired, national guard or reserve - is someone who, at one point in their life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount "up to and including their life". That is HONOR, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it. -Author unknown-

#35 camay2327

camay2327

    GO NAVY

  • Moderator
  • 11,481 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Folsom

Posted 03 May 2006 - 12:19 PM

Somali Immigrant

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the UnitedStates.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank
you Mr. American for letting me in this country, and giving me housing,
food stamps, free medical care and free education!"

But the passerby says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such
a beautiful country here in America!"

The person says "I no American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes
his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!"

That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not an
American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Russia!"

So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says... "Probably at
work...."

A VETERAN Whether active duty, retired, national guard or reserve - is someone who, at one point in their life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount "up to and including their life". That is HONOR, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it. -Author unknown-

#36 Chad Vander Veen

Chad Vander Veen

    Hopeless Addict

  • Premium Member
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 11,209 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Folsom

Posted 03 May 2006 - 12:22 PM

Saw this on another web site today:

Finish this punchline!

So the bartender wipes off his face and says ___________________.

#37 Dave Burrell

Dave Burrell

    Folsom Citizen

  • Moderator
  • 17,588 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Folsom
  • Interests:Beer, Photography, Travel, Art

Posted 03 May 2006 - 12:26 PM

QUOTE(c_vanderveen @ May 3 2006, 01:22 PM) View Post

Saw this on another web site today:

Finish this punchline!

So the bartender wipes off his face and says ___________________.



So the bartender wipes off his face and says "damn she gets wild when she drinks"

Travel, food and drink blog by Davehttp://davestravels.tv

 


#38 Chad Vander Veen

Chad Vander Veen

    Hopeless Addict

  • Premium Member
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 11,209 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Folsom

Posted 03 May 2006 - 12:28 PM

So the bartender wipes off his face and says "That's it, I've killed my last hobo!"

#39 brown

brown

    Hall Of Famer

  • Premium Member
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,486 posts

Posted 03 May 2006 - 12:28 PM

A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he whispers, "Your Eminence, do we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....' we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church".

The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed".

"Well," says the Tyson man, "we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...."

Again the Pope replies "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed".

Finally, the Tyson guy says, "This is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....'" and he leaves.

The next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and bad news.

"The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion ... The bad news is that we are losing The Wonderbread Account."

"To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift." - Steve Prefontaine

#40 Farley

Farley

    Living Legend

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 3,831 posts

Posted 03 May 2006 - 12:41 PM

QUOTE(brown @ May 3 2006, 01:28 PM) View Post

A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he whispers, "Your Eminence, do we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....' we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church".

The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed".

"Well," says the Tyson man, "we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...."

Again the Pope replies "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed".

Finally, the Tyson guy says, "This is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....'" and he leaves.

The next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and bad news.

"The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion ... The bad news is that we are losing The Wonderbread Account."


Good one brown!


#41 SacKen

SacKen

    Lifer

  • Premium Member
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,286 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Cell Block D

Posted 01 June 2006 - 01:23 PM

Not really jokes, but anyway...


1. Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way if they get angry they'll be a mile away -- and barefoot.

2. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

3. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

4. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

6. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

7. I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

8. For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

9. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

10. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

11. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

12. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

13. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

14. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

15. Eat well - stay fit - die anyway.

16. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

17. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

18. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

19. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

20. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

21. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

22. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

23. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

24. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

25. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

26. By the time you can make ends meet they move the ends.

27. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

28. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

29. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

30. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

"Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider!" -- George Carlin

#42 folsom500

folsom500

    Folsom Gardner

  • Moderator
  • 6,562 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Folsom

Posted 06 June 2006 - 10:33 AM

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything. Tutors,Mentors, flash cards, Special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, th ey took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it?
Was it the nuns?"

Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.

"Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"





Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

Another great  day in the adventure of exploration and sight.

 

 

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has"
-Margaret Mead-


#43 Farley

Farley

    Living Legend

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 3,831 posts

Posted 16 June 2006 - 03:27 PM

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an
> old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the
> next day.
> The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have
> some bad news. The donkey died."
> Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
> The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
> Kenny said, "Okay then, just unload the donkey."
> The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him"?
> Kenny said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
> "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" the farmer says.
> "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." Kenny
> said.
> A month or so later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What
ever
> happened with that dead donkey"?
> "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and
made
> a profit of $898.00."
> "Didn't anyone complain"? the farmer asked.
> "Just the guy who won. So, I gave him his two dollars back."
> Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.
>


#44 Deb aka Resume Lady

Deb aka Resume Lady

    Hopeless Addict

  • No Politics!
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 8,361 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Folsom
  • Interests:Sole proprietor: Tailored Resume Services
    Volunteer: Court Appointed Special Advocate for a child in the foster care system

Posted 22 June 2006 - 07:23 PM

WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY

Dear Diary:

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in
great shape since playing on my High School football team 25 yrs ago, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart
my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it
when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was
something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling
white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5
minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I
attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed
watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my
workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut
was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she
put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made
the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter
and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both
pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked
on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me,
insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little
too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally
whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape
and enjoy life. She said some other s--- too.

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a ha lf an
hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out
with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine,
which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that b*tch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little
cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable
pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you
don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ Barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash
the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the
TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank
GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife
(the b*tch); will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a
vasectomy.


Job Search Consultant
Tailored Resume Services
(916) 984-0855

Volunteer, Court Appointed Special Advocate for Sacramento CASA * I Am for the Child
Making a Difference in the Life of Abused and Neglected Children in Foster Care
http://www.sacramentocasa.org/

I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do. ~ Edward Everett Hale

"How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world." ~ Anne Frank

#45 mylo

mylo

    Mmm.. Tomato

  • Moderator
  • 16,763 posts
  • Location:Folsom

Posted 22 June 2006 - 07:27 PM

^--- HAHA!
"Ah, yes, those Gucci extremists and their Prada jihad!" --ducky




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users