31 replies to this topic

[asbestoshills]

Okay, what would you do.....Elementary school bday party blues...
My daughter's friend, not best friend, but someone in a group that she plays with almost everyday at school didn't invite her to her birthday party.
SO what? Well, here's the details. This little girl thought my daughter was invited because she has been telling her for the last two months that she was going to invite her. When my daughter asked her where her invitation was the little girl said she would get it to her the next day...Well, low and behold the mom didn't invite her to begin with....

However, a month or so ago my daughter did get an invitation for her dog's birthday party with the other three girls in their group. All of those girls got invited to the bday party but not my daughter. Also, I noticed my daughter only gets invited to her house for a playdate maybe once per every three visits at our house (not sure why since my daughter is an angel, jk, but she's well behaved). Yes, good enough of a friend to go to her daughter's dog's bday, but her mom didn't extend the invite to her bday party even though the little girl thought my daughter was invited.....This same little girl has attended all of my daughter's bday parties for the last two years (her daughter didn't have a party last year that I know of) and she comes over for playdates. We are of a different race and all of the other kids are white....Could it be racial??? (I know most on this forum are white but try to put yourself in my shoes) Just a thought. Her mother is always bringing up race in our casual conversation....For example, "Oh I bet you voted for Obama"she comments (we never talk politics)...BTW, we are half hispanic. She asks me about my family and tells me how she lived down south and there are so many Mexicans down there. She comments how my daughter's skin is so tan."; it is, but only by genetics. "Oh, your husband speaks such good English." It's his first language and we were born here...etc...Just little comments, nothing overtly racist to this point... MY daughter is heart broken since she thought she was invited and even her friend thought she was invited but to the contrary....I don't have a good explanantion for my daughter..SO, would you confront this parent?
PLEASE ONLY REPLY if you aren't a troll!

[Dave Burrell]

those were some not so nice comments she's been saying.... at first I thought maybe you were being a bit over worried, but after reading how those conversations go, it sounds like she is a bit of a racist to me.

If it were me, I'd call her on those comments, maybe embarrass her for making them in the first place.... but that would likely just make things harder... I don't know really what the best way is to handle this but I wish you the best of luck for your daughters sake

[SunshineServices]

Well, my favorite troll has been banned, hopefully the others are working their way to join him.

The comments from this lady are indeed racist in every sense of the word. There is nothing SLIGHT about them. I apologize to you for them, it is so sad that things like this continue to this day.

You either have to say something to her about them, or not subject yourself and your daughter to them, it is entirely up to you.

Just sad.

Jeff

[Andrea V]

I'd call her mom and say, your kid told my kid he was invited to her party... but I never got an invitation... is there a missing invitation... or did my daughter misunderstand, and is not invited?

the other mom is ruuuude!! and I'm not sure I'd want my kid over there any way...

[asbestoshills]

Thanks for the input....Well, my husband wanted to tell her next time we see them at a school function, "I guess my daughter wasn't the right color to attend."
The thing is this...Why would she even let my daughter play with her daughter at all? I know though for a fact that her daughter just loves to play with my daughter and maybe her mom just gives in sometimes...My husband thinks so....SHe will come over and then only after my daughter mentions she hasn't been to her house in a long time, does the little girl invite her over to play....Also, her mom always tells me it must be hard for me economically to stay home (she stays home too, but her husband is a professional. Maybe it's a social class thing too? My husband is in corrections and pretty high up, but maybe it's blue collar vs white collar even though we make more....Not really sure at this point, but we have had a couple of other incidens regarding race during our twelve years here, but for the most part people have been normal...

I will keep you posted if I decide to confront her...

[SunshineServices]

Well, my favorite troll has been banned, hopefully the others are working their way to join him.

Just to be clear, I want him back but the others can go. Can we start a recall petition?

Jeff

[Andrea V]

Just to be clear, I want him back but the others can go. Can we start a recall petition?

Jeff

hell no!

[Andrea V]

Thanks for the input....Well, my husband wanted to tell her next time we see them at a school function, "I guess my daughter wasn't the right color to attend."
The thing is this...Why would she even let my daughter play with her daughter at all? I know though for a fact that her daughter just loves to play with my daughter and maybe her mom just gives in sometimes...My husband thinks so....SHe will come over and then only after my daughter mentions she hasn't been to her house in a long time, does the little girl invite her over to play....Also, her mom always tells me it must be hard for me economically to stay home (she stays home too, but her husband is a professional. Maybe it's a social class thing too? My husband is in corrections and pretty high up, but maybe it's blue collar vs white collar even though we make more....Not really sure at this point, but we have had a couple of other incidences regarding race during our twelve years here, but for the most part people have been normal...

I will keep you posted if I decide to confront her...

her mom is a witch.... I'm not sure how I feel yet....

[Zanzan]

This just makes me angry. On behalf of the white moms in Folsom who AREN'T racist, I apologize for this small person's hurtful words. I'm surprised you've put up with it this long, but it sounds like you have been slowly putting the pieces together. The joke of it is that your daughter was acceptable to attend the dog's birthday.

The hard part about confrontations is you never know how the other person will react. Some love to clear the air and move on, but far too many people can't handle or just don't like confrontation, and if you say something about the birthday party, it could end your relationship with her as cordial aquaintenances, even if your daughters continue the friendship. Awkward! And, she could come back and say you are paranoid, because no one likes to think they are racist.


I don't envy your predicament, but my advice would be that whenever you decide how you are going to handle this, sleep on it at least 24 hours before you follow through, just to be sure.

[Andrea V]

This just makes me angry. On behalf of the white moms in Folsom who AREN'T racist, I apologize for this small person's hurtful words. I'm surprised you've put up with it this long, but it sounds like you have been slowly putting the pieces together. The joke of it is that your daughter was acceptable to attend the dog's birthday.

The hard part about confrontations is you never know how the other person will react. Some love to clear the air and move on, but far too many people can't handle or just don't like confrontation, and if you say something about the birthday party, it could end your relationship with her as cordial aquaintenances, even if your daughters continue the friendship. Awkward! And, she could come back and say you are paranoid, because no one likes to think they are racist.


I don't envy your predicament, but my advice would be that whenever you decide how you are going to handle this, sleep on it at least 24 hours before you follow through, just to be sure.

that's how I feel!!

[irish1]

IMO... and based on what you posted, the mother of your daughters playmate is a racist. Based on the info in your post, this woman frequently has a need to walk the line in conversation which points out visual differences between you, which obviously is skin color. It would be my hunch that your daughter did not get an invite to the birthday party, because the lady's family and relatives would be in attendence also, and she didn't want to take the heat.... from those that she learned and shares those beliefs with..!! Screw em..!!

[MrsTuffPaws]

Perhaps the extended family is *very* racist, and the other mother wanted to spare your child some embarrassment? That's just assuming extended family would not come to the dog's party.

[asbestoshills]

No other family will attend except the father. I feel damned if I do, and damned if I don't. She will deny and probably try to say something like, "I only let her invite 4 friends and she wasn't one of them." However, one of the girls isn't even that good of a friend and her daughter has said to my daugher that her friend is sometimes mean to her...It just doesn't make sense. She went to the dog party and was told for months by her daughter that she was inviting her to the party....Or she could try to say it was an honest mistake, but obviously it isn't b/c the little girl already questioned her mother if she forgot to give the invite to my daughter.....No matter what we say, we will look like the bad guys, I guarantee it. This girl is in her class and on her sports team soon...Can you imagine if we call the race card, even though it's true..She will be talking all about it and denying it to everyone. It just makes me sick racial or no racial bias..How can you purposely not invite her when u invited all of the other girls and her daughter and my daughter play daily together...

[asbestoshills]

This just makes me angry. On behalf of the white moms in Folsom who AREN'T racist, I apologize for this small person's hurtful words. I'm surprised you've put up with it this long, but it sounds like you have been slowly putting the pieces together. The joke of it is that your daughter was acceptable to attend the dog's birthday.

The hard part about confrontations is you never know how the other person will react. Some love to clear the air and move on, but far too many people can't handle or just don't like confrontation, and if you say something about the birthday party, it could end your relationship with her as cordial aquaintenances, even if your daughters continue the friendship. Awkward! And, she could come back and say you are paranoid, because no one likes to think they are racist.


I don't envy your predicament, but my advice would be that whenever you decide how you are going to handle this, sleep on it at least 24 hours before you follow through, just to be sure.

Thank you. Great points. I agree.

[Barb J]

If this were me, I would leave race out of it. It is obvious from her comments that race has something (if not everything) to do with this issue. But as you said, either way you will look like the "bad guy". Folsom is a small town, you will be running into this lady throughout your daughter's school career. I think it's best to tell your daughter that it was a mistake, you are sorry that her feelings are hurt but that it isn't personal (even though it is). Your daughter doesn't need to know that her friend's mom is an idiot.

This woman doesn't deserve the consideration that you are giving her, but in the interest of keeping the peace, I would let it go and encourage your daughter to make other friends. This woman will not change her mind, nor would she EVER admit that her actions are race based. Why even bother. She'll likely be embarrassed that you called her on her actions, but she will go around and tell everyone that she knows how you think everything is all about race, etc. It will get turned around because that's how these people operate. If she admits why she deliberately excluded your daughter, then she will look like the racist that she is..........will never happen.

Good luck.
Barb