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#1 camay2327

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Posted 27 February 2011 - 12:12 PM

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures. Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8..95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier..


A VETERAN Whether active duty, retired, national guard or reserve - is someone who, at one point in their life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount "up to and including their life". That is HONOR, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it. -Author unknown-

#2 Bill Z

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Posted 27 February 2011 - 03:13 PM

That's so funny it's true. :lol:

Kinda reminds me of:


25 Reasons Beer is Better Than Women

1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
2. Beer stains wash out
3. You don’t have to wine and dine beer
4. Your beer will always wait patiently in your car while you play baseball
5. when beer goes flat, you can toss it out
6. beer is never late
7. A beer doesn’t get jealous if you have another beer
8. Hangovers go away
9. Beer lables come off without a fight
10. When you go to a bar, You know you can pick up a beer
11. Beer never has a head ache
12. After you had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents
13. A beer won’t get upset if you come home with another beer
14. If you pour a beer right, You’ll always get good head
15. A beer always go down easy
16. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty
17. You can share a beer with your friends
18. You always know you’re the first one to pop a beer
19. Beer is always wet
20. Beer doesn’t demand equality
21. You can have a beer in public
22. A beer doesn’t care when you come home
23. A frigid beer is a good beer
24. You don’t have to wash a beer before it tastes good
25. If you change beers you don’t have to pay alimony
I would rather be Backpacking


#3 (The Dude)

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Posted 28 February 2011 - 08:46 AM

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#4 camay2327

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Posted 05 May 2011 - 08:33 AM

This one really isn't a joke but read through it.

Jails and Nursing Homes


Here's the way it should be:


Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes.



This would correct two things in one motion:


Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc.

They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly if they fell or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes.

All meals and snacks would be brought to them

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education...and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized entertainment artists.

Simple clothing - ie., shoes, slippers, pj's - and legal aid would be free, upon request.

There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens.

Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room at no cost.

They would receive daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the ACLU would fight for their rights and protection.

The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to, with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and their families from abuse or neglect.





As for the criminals:




They would receive cold food.

They would be left alone and unsupervised.

They would receive showers once a week.

They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay $5,000 per month.

They would have no hope of ever getting out.

"Sounds like justice to me!"



(If You agree, pass this on!)
A VETERAN Whether active duty, retired, national guard or reserve - is someone who, at one point in their life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount "up to and including their life". That is HONOR, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it. -Author unknown-

#5 folsom500

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Posted 05 May 2011 - 08:52 AM

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

QUOTE FROM HAROLD:
“I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?' Well...

I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and vodka into urine. I do it every day and I really enjoy it.”

Another great  day in the adventure of exploration and sight.

 

 

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has"
-Margaret Mead-


#6 (The Dude)

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Posted 12 July 2011 - 07:50 AM

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is John.. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Patricia to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.



EDITOR'S NOTE:
John, died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that John, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

#7 caligirlz

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Posted 12 July 2011 - 08:27 AM

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND

EDITOR'S NOTE:
John, died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that John, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.


Can only men play on this thread?? :D:

I shared this with a few female co-workers. My face is still hurting from laughing. I needed that. Thanks Dude!

The general consensus, is, that we all agree with the jury!! :2thumbsup:

#8 Dave Burrell

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Posted 12 July 2011 - 08:53 AM

Can only men play on this thread?? :D:

I shared this with a few female co-workers. My face is still hurting from laughing. I needed that. Thanks Dude!

The general consensus, is, that we all agree with the jury!! :2thumbsup:


That was hilarious! This thread is open to everyone, feel free to post some funnies anytime :joker:

Travel, food and drink blog by Davehttp://davestravels.tv

 


#9 Steve Heard

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Posted 12 July 2011 - 09:54 AM

Okay, to give the womenfolk equal time, I dug up this one (I edited out the less forum-friendly ones)

Why Women Are Happier Than Men

Women...

* ...Aren't forced to compensate for their fathers' lack of childhood sports skills every Saturday morning throughout their formative years.

* ...Can sit and read every time they go to the bathroom.

* ...Don't worry about going bald

* ...Never have to rearrange their 'junk' while wearing tight pants

* ...Never get their sex organs caught in their zippers while drunk

* ...Don't have to constantly answer "What are you gonna be when you grow up?" shortly after their third birthday.

* ...Don't have to run a super-sharp piece of metal over their facial epidermal layer each and every morning of their adult lives.

* ...Can bludgeon someone to death with a baseball bat and then get off scot-free by claiming a "hormonal imbalance"

* ...Can commit cold-blooded murder and not only get off scot-free, but end up with a book deal and an appearance on Oprah merely by mentioning "years of violent spousal abuse"

* ...Don't have to go in a pubic women's restroom and worry about some previous occupant peeing on the seat, the floor, and the surrounding walls.

* ...ALWAYS outlive their husbands.

* ...know exactly what to do when a child is sick.

* ...don't have a freaky, semi-oedipal relationship with their overbearing mothers

* ...don't ever have to spit

* ...don't ever have to hold one nostril shut while blowing a huge loogie out the other

* ...have an astute, innate sense of when to change underwear before it becomes a Petri Dish for bacteria development

* ...never pull a back muscle screaming at the television during a sports event.

* ...don't have to worry about which family member will inherit and care for their collection of baseball caps

* ...never lose six hours on a Saturday morning watching fishing shows on OLN

* ...can terminate a bladder emptying event without waiting for 'the shake'

* ...can tell their doctors anything

Read more: http://blogcritics.o.../#ixzz1Rulc6122

Steve Heard

Folsom Real Estate Specialist

Owner - MyFolsom.com

916 718 9577 


#10 (The Dude)

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Posted 30 July 2011 - 10:00 PM

Investment Advice

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,
you would have $49.00 today!

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would
have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago,
you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund,
you would have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink
heavily & recycle.

It is called the 401-Keg.

And as a bonus...

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a
year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of
alcohol a year.

That means that the average American gets about 41
miles to the gallon!

#11 camay2327

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Posted 31 July 2011 - 01:01 PM

Dude, that was great.

Everyone feel free to put the good jokes here.
A VETERAN Whether active duty, retired, national guard or reserve - is someone who, at one point in their life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount "up to and including their life". That is HONOR, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it. -Author unknown-

#12 Terry

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Posted 02 August 2011 - 06:32 PM

Secrets to a Long Happy Marriage

An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live with you"....Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?".....She replied "It's me.....................talking to the wine".


Old Guy

An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing. He asked the trainer that was nearby "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said "I would try the ATM in the lobby".



Men vs. Women

Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
Woman yells out window, PIG!
Man yells out window, (censored)!
Man rounds next curve.
Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

Thought For the Day:


If men would just listen


Little Larry
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
His father replied, “Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”
Larry, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mom ...”

#13 camay2327

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Posted 03 August 2011 - 05:08 PM

Funny but oh soooo true !!!!


Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a
sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

They walk amongst us!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day I was walking down the beach with
some friends when someone shouted....
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

They walk among us!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While looking at a house, my brother asked the
estate agent which direction was north because
he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
and has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff....'

They Walk Among Us!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving'.

They Walk Among Us!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car boot.

They Walk Among Us!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman
with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip
out every time she turns her head!"
I had to explain that a person's nose and ear
remain the same distance apart no
matter which way the head is turned...

They Walk Among Us !
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and.
went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'....
(I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and
the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces.
They Walk Among Us!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A VETERAN Whether active duty, retired, national guard or reserve - is someone who, at one point in their life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount "up to and including their life". That is HONOR, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it. -Author unknown-

#14 KoMbAse

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Posted 06 August 2011 - 08:11 AM

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as Cricket 5.0, AFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applicationsJewellery 2.0 and flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default toGrumpy Silence 2.5, Happy hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!
Tech Support

#15 caligirlz

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Posted 09 August 2011 - 08:05 AM

The Zipper

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.




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