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#16 (The Dude)

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Posted 09 August 2011 - 08:08 AM

Upon hearing that the USA has had it's triple AAA rating reduced, Joe Biden turned to his wife and asked, "Oh No! What are we going to do now if we get a flat tire"?

#17 caligirlz

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Posted 12 August 2011 - 11:53 AM

A Newfoundland farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus.

'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Angus said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus' answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes..

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot da fock would you say?'

#18 camay2327

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Posted 19 August 2011 - 10:32 PM

LOOKING FOR WORK

A doctor from Israel says:"In Israel the medicine is so advanced that
we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6
weeks he is looking for work."


The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part
of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head,
and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."


A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out
half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's
chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."


The U.S.doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you
are way behind us....in the USA, about 2 years ago, we grabbed a
person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made
him President of the United States, and now....... the whole country
is looking for work
A VETERAN Whether active duty, retired, national guard or reserve - is someone who, at one point in their life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount "up to and including their life". That is HONOR, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it. -Author unknown-

#19 Darth Lefty

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Posted 20 August 2011 - 07:24 AM

A moth flies into a chiropractor... really, just listen to this whole thing. They ask their interview subjects for a joke. It usually starts off the show but occasionally they just do a collection.

http://www.publicrad...eaker-show.html
"I enjoy a bit of cooking, and this has always worried me. But it's OK. I only like it because it allows me to play with knives." - James May

Genesis 49:16-17
http://www.active2030folsom.org

#20 eVader

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Posted 20 August 2011 - 04:59 PM

A Newfoundland farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus.

'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Angus said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus' answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes..

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot da fock would you say?'


That was great. Thanks for the huge grin you created.:laughcry:

#21 camay2327

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Posted 25 August 2011 - 10:30 AM

Hey Guys, I got the latest word.

The Weather Channel says the east coast earthquake was caused by an unknown fault line running under D.C. and through Virginia. It is now being called Obama's Fault, though Obama will say it's really Bush's Fault. Other theories are that it was the founding fathers rolling over in their graves, or that what we all believed to be an earthquake was actually the effects of a 14.6 trillion dollar check bouncing in Washington.
A VETERAN Whether active duty, retired, national guard or reserve - is someone who, at one point in their life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount "up to and including their life". That is HONOR, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it. -Author unknown-

#22 caligirlz

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Posted 25 August 2011 - 08:55 PM

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"He said, Oops!"
___________________________________________
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did my Intelligence come from?"
The father replied, "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."
___________________________________________
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said, "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
___________________________________________
Adult Truths:
  • Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
  • Bad decisions make good stories.
  • You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
  • I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
  • How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
  • I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
  • Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
  • Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.


#23 (The Dude)

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Posted 26 August 2011 - 10:12 AM

A beautiful lady is sitting at the bar, having already downed a few drinks, she turns around, faces the guy next to her and looks him straight in the eye and says,

"Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on; it doesn't matter to me. I just love it!"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm in Congress too..... What state are you from?"

#24 (The Dude)

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Posted 26 August 2011 - 12:43 PM

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#25 caligirlz

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Posted 07 October 2011 - 10:33 PM

How children perceive their Grandparents......
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before.
After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10.. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said... "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck.."
A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

#26 camay2327

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Posted 28 November 2011 - 07:51 AM

Check this out.

Real Men of GENIUS

They are all Bud Light commercials.

I liked the first one because of metal detecting that I do.

This is Youtube Watch at your own risk.




A VETERAN Whether active duty, retired, national guard or reserve - is someone who, at one point in their life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount "up to and including their life". That is HONOR, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it. -Author unknown-

#27 camay2327

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Posted 28 November 2011 - 08:10 AM

MORE





A VETERAN Whether active duty, retired, national guard or reserve - is someone who, at one point in their life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount "up to and including their life". That is HONOR, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it. -Author unknown-

#28 camay2327

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Posted 28 November 2011 - 08:18 AM

Real men of genius commercials. Help yourselves...

http://www.youtube.c...9l853l2-2.1l3l0
A VETERAN Whether active duty, retired, national guard or reserve - is someone who, at one point in their life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount "up to and including their life". That is HONOR, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it. -Author unknown-

#29 Carl G

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Posted 28 November 2011 - 09:02 AM

Hilarious British animal voiceovers

Some News Headlines:

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
****************************************

I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
****************************************

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

****************************************

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
****************************************

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
****************************************

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
****************************************

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
****************************************

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
****************************************

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
****************************************

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
****************************************

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
****************************************

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
****************************************

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
****************************************

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
****************************************

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
****************************************

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
****************************************

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

#30 camay2327

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Posted 29 November 2011 - 10:13 AM

Again just for the fun of it.


I'm My Own Grandpa- Ray Stevens ( with family tree diagram)


A VETERAN Whether active duty, retired, national guard or reserve - is someone who, at one point in their life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount "up to and including their life". That is HONOR, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it. -Author unknown-




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