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#31 caligirlz

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Posted 22 December 2011 - 11:21 AM

Story from a Kansas State Highway Patrol officer:

I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S.166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73, just East of Sedan, Kansas.

I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance.

The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.

In with those cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see that she had a "Conceal Carry Permit." I looked at her and asked if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.

To my surprise, she responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. Something about her body language and tone of voice prompted me to ask if she had any other firearms.

She then told me she had two more; a 9mm Glock in her center console and a .357 Magnum in her purse.

Learning how heavily armed she was, I couldn't help but ask her what she was so afraid of and with that, she looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Not a damn thing!" :D:

#32 Harold

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Posted 22 December 2011 - 01:41 PM

A man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water.

The bartender pulls out a shotgun, shoots it just missing the man.

the man says "Thank you" and leaves a tip, and departs.













Why the "Thank You" and the tip?





















The man had the hiccups.
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#33 Deb aka Resume Lady

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Posted 31 December 2011 - 02:56 PM

This isn't a "joke," but it's absolutely hysterical!


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#34 olivia

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Posted 31 December 2011 - 05:06 PM

This isn't a "joke," but it's absolutely hysterical!


Hysterical!!!!!!!!! :2thumbsup: :cuss3: :2thumbsup:

#35 caligirlz

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Posted 16 January 2012 - 09:31 PM

Unbaked Yeast Rolls

Those of you who have animals will probably appreciate this the most. It is a story that is hilarious in itself and the person who wrote it is a good writer and made the story even better. It's a little long, but totally worth the read. Enjoy......


We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in the summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10 year old child about whom you know nothing and committing to doing your best to be a good parent.

Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He will only sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as he can get without actually performing a French kiss on me.

Lest you think this is a bad case of 'no discipline,' I should tell you that Perry and I tried every means to break him of this habit, including locking him in a separate bedroom for several nights. The new door cost over $200. But I digress.

Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the cost of the project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got me out of cooking Thanksgiving for family, extended family, and a lot of friends that I like more than family most of the time.

I was assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls for the two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend.

I am still cursing the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so quickly. It was the only appliance in the whole darn house that worked, thus the assignment.

I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wed evening to reheat Thurs am. Since the kitchen was freshly painted, you can imagine the odor. Not wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams #586, I put the rolls on baking sheets and set them in the living room to rise for a few hours. Perry and I decided to go out to eat, returning in about an hour. The rolls were ready to go in the oven.

It was 8:30 PM. When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans, much to my shock, one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. I called out to Jasper and my worst nightmare became a reality. He literally wobbled over to me. He looked like a combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin Tire man wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. I swear even his cheeks were bloated.

I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few seconds of uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be okay; however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the rest of the night. God only knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more than my kids did when they were sick. Suffice it to say that by the time we went to bed the dog was black, white and pink. He was so bloated we had to lift him onto the bed for the night.

We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing, put the dog out to relieve himself. Well, the dog was as drunk as a sailor on his first leave. He was running into walls, falling flat on his butt and most of the time when he was walking, his front half was going one direction and the other half was either dragging the grass or headed 90 degrees in another direction.

He couldn't lift his leg to pee, so he would just walk and pee at the same time. When he ran down the small incline in our back yard he couldn't stop himself and nearly ended up running into the fence.

His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a loon. I endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second call within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast had fermented in his belly and that he was indeed drunk.

He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it would wear off after about 4 or 5 hours, and to keep giving him Pepto Bismol.

Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him up and took him with us to my sister's house for the first Thanksgiving meal of the day.

My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a ranch, (10 to 15 minute drive). Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning from the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and I, we took off.

Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but believe me when I say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP. These burps were pure Old Charter. They would have matched or beat any smell in a drunk tank at the police station. But that's not the worst of it.

Now he was beginning to fart and they smelled like baked rolls. God strike me dead if I am not telling the truth! We endured this for the entire trip to Karen's, thankful she didn't live any further away than she did.

Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister's garage with the door locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of the day. The dog was the topic of conversation all morning long and everyone made trips to the garage to witness my drunken dog, each returning with a tale of Jasper's latest endeavor to walk without running into something. Of course, as the old adage goes, 'what goes in must come out' and Jasper was no exception.

Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked yeast rolls, you might as well have put a concrete block up my behind, but alas a dog's digestive system is quite different from yours or mine. I discovered this was a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karen's house. Having discovered his 'packages' on the garage floor, we loaded him up in the car so we could hose down the floor.

This was another naive decision on our part. The blast of water from the hose hit the poop on the floor and the poop on the floor withstood the blast from the hose. It was like Portland cement beginning to set up and cure.

We finally tried to remove it with a shovel. I (obviously no one else was going to offer their services) had to get on my hands and knees with a coarse brush to get the remnants off of the floor. And as if this wasn't degrading enough, the darn dog in his drunken state had walked through the poop and left paw prints all over the garage floor that had to be brushed too.

Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him home and dropped him off before we left for our second Thanksgiving dinner at Perry's sister's house.

I am happy to report that as of today (Monday) the dog is back to normal both in size and temperament. He has had a bath and is no longer tricolor. None the worse for wear I presume. I am also happy to report that just this evening I found 2 risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door.

It appears he must have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but decided hiding 2 of them for later would not be a bad idea. Now, I'm doing research on the computer as to: 'How to clean unbaked dough from the carpet.'

And how was your day?

#36 caligirlz

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Posted 24 January 2012 - 12:36 PM

Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things.

I phoned the police but was told no one was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible.

I hung up. A minute later I rang again. 'Hello', I said, 'I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don't have to hurry now, because I've shot them.'

Within minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the officers said: 'I thought you said you shot them.'

To which I replied: 'I thought you said there was no one available.'

#37 caligirlz

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Posted 30 January 2012 - 09:16 AM

Washing Dishes with Coldwater........Can Cold Water Clean Dishes? This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!

'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'

#38 caligirlz

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Posted 02 March 2012 - 01:50 PM

TGIF!!! :cheer:

Jennifer, a manager at Walmart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening..

After sorting through a stack* *of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally

qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask* *them only one question. Their

answer would determine which of them would get the job.


The day came and as the four sat* *around the conference room table,

Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'


The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT..' It just pops into your head. There's

no warning.


'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.

'And, now you sir?' she asked the second man..


'Hmmm....let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it

ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'


'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular

cliché for speed.' She then turned to the third* *man, who was

contemplating his reply.


'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall

there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the

pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant.. 'Yip,

TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.


Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found

her man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.


Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same

question.


Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious

to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'


'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...


'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good,

and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE

LIGHT, I had already s--- my pants.'


BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!


You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.

#39 (The Dude)

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Posted 24 April 2012 - 07:47 PM

THREE CONTRACTORS

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Montana. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Montana contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how Government Stimulus plans work.

#40 caligirlz

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Posted 08 May 2012 - 08:38 AM

HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS (Actual writings from hospital charts)

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 66-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

#41 Deb aka Resume Lady

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Posted 08 May 2012 - 09:34 AM

HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS (Actual writings from hospital charts)

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 66-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.



I just choked on my tea.
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#42 Carl G

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Posted 13 June 2012 - 08:04 AM

Is it wrong to laugh at this?



#43 eVader

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Posted 13 June 2012 - 03:51 PM

That was a painful video but humorous. Must be a bear to wear high Stilettos (although as a guy, i like seeing women wear them).

#44 camay2327

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Posted 13 June 2012 - 04:44 PM

Is it wrong to laugh at this?





Laugh away, I did...
A VETERAN Whether active duty, retired, national guard or reserve - is someone who, at one point in their life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount "up to and including their life". That is HONOR, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it. -Author unknown-

#45 caligirlz

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Posted 13 June 2012 - 07:37 PM

so did I :P




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