22 replies to this topic

[cybertrano]

I though it's kinda strange that American parents always say thank you and apologizing to their kids. Why?

When I grew up in my old country, Vietnam, I never heard any of that communication. I don't think parents have to do that. Parents love their kids, but also are the authority figure. Don't you think it will undermine that authority when parents constantly have to please their kids with thank you and sorry .

[bishmasterb]

Interesting topic.

I say thank you to my kids because I expect them to do the same.

Similaryly, I apologize to my kids when I've made a mistake (which is often) because I want them to acknowledge and correct their own mistakes.

It's not a matter of obligation; it's leading by example.

My $.02.

[dailydos]

One I agree with you on, bish (not that I haven't before). Different cultures have different views on this, obviously, but I think that in order to show love and also to demonstrate that it's okay to be wrong (and subsequently apologize) a parent needs to set the standard and live by it.

[Steve Heard]

Kings, dictators, religious leaders and parents have used demands over requests since the beginning of civilization.

My parents came from an era where one did not question authority, the government, the church or parents. To do so was insulting, insubordination, unpatriotic, or went against the teachings of our religion.

It's still that way in many parts of the world.

My mom was fond of saying, "I don't owe you an explanation!", whenever I questioned her. My dad, on the other hand, would usually explain it to me.
In turn, I usually explain my reasoning, or ask, "Why can't you do what I ask without asking why?" Sometimes, it works. Once in a while, I must admit to using, 'Because I said so!'

My kids know that I am not perfect. They know my background and see me make mistakes every day. They also know I love them and would go through he// to protect them. They know I am the authority, but at the same time, their opinions are allowed and respected. By thanking them, apologizing to them, or saying please, they feel respected, and give respect in return.

Of course, I could demand respect and obedience, beating them when they question or hesitate, but that's not really respect. It's fear.

In the end, I hope I've raised a couple of well-rounded, well-adjusted, kind, happy, productive human beings.

That's why I include 'thank you' and 'I'm sorry' when appropriate.

[forumreader]

Don't you think it will undermine that authority when parents constantly have to please their kids with thank you and sorry .

cyber: I agree with the other posters. It is important that parents say "please and thank you" to their children. We use good manners not to *please* our kids, but because we want to model good behavior. Neither do I think it undermines our authority.

There is a saying, "Manners are caught not taught.".....Today in our society at large I see so few good manners used. I figure that my children had better catch those manners from their parents, because they will find few good examples outside the home.

My husband and I also apologize to our kids when we've lost our patience or behaved poorly. It teaches that we should all be respectful of one another and take responsibility for our actions. If anything, it probably increases our children's respect for our authority.

And stevethedad, I wouldn't worry too much about saying, "Because I said so!!".....Find me a parent with a child, over the age of 5, who has not said it, or at least thought it. Why? Because it is exactly the way it should be. I've observed that parents who offer too many explanations often seem to have less authority in their kids' eyes.

In our home, arguing or flouting our authority is not acceptable. We choose to offer explanations for our requests when the circumstances are appropriate, and as appropriate to the child's age. But it is made very clear in our home that we don't OWE our kids explanations. If my kids argue with my instructions or demand explanations, I often say something like, "You need to do what I've asked." (It's the same message as "Because I said so!"...just a bit softer.) If I choose, I will sometimes offer an explanation for my instructions AFTER my kids have completed the task.

[melloguy]

My wife and I also generally use please and thank you, but at least I have established that I only ask politely once and there may be repercussions if my "request" is not completed. Yes, we are teaching our kids manners, but also trying to establish that there are authority figures who should be obeyed.

[Steve Heard]

I'll also say that we tend to choose our battles and become more tolerant as we become older and wiser.

I remember when my eldest was about 3. We were at my dad's house for a football game. She got in Grandpa's chair when he got up to go to the kitchen. When he came back, he said, "Outta my chair, madam".

She replied, "NO!"

I said, "Jenny, get out of Grandpa's chair, NOW!".

She replied, "NO!"

Before I could react, my dad said, "Just leave her there. A girl her age can't sit still for more than 30 seconds."

Sure enough, Jenny got up seconds later, and Grandpa said, "Thank you, Jenny"

That was sweet, but I think if I'd done that when I was a kid, he'd have yanked my out by my hair.

[Bolt]

I don't subscribe to this theory.
Well, I am a teenager in high school, but I crave explanations. It clashes with my Filipino parents' culture, because their parents never had any communication like this, but I want equal respect. It's not enough for me that they're my parents and know better, I want to know what it is that they know that I don't. I'm much more obedient if I know what it is I'm doing wrong.

[dailydos]

Parents can't always "explain" everything, though. Sometimes parents can "feel" something and can't necessarily give a logical explanation. As a Christian, I call it something other than "intuition" but I think that other parents out there know what I am referring to and have experienced it.

[cybertrano]

In this age of progressive and liberalism, parents are following the trend of political correctness.

[forumreader]

In this age of progressive and liberalism, parents are following the trend of political correctness.  

I don't think it is necessarily "progressive and liberalism" nor "political correctness." My parents said please and thank you to us. It was said ONCE, and we knew to take heed, or else...!

Out of curiosity, at our Thanksgiving gathering, I asked my 88 yr-old grandmother if she and her parents demonstrated manners to their children. Her answer was yes. But a child was only politely asked to do something once. Consequences were strict if a child did not obey immediately, and children usually did respectfully obey.

[Steve Heard]

In this age of progressive and liberalism, parents are following the trend of political correctness.  

I thought the conservatives were celebrating taking back the country. I guess kids can expect please and thank you to be things of the past.

[cybertrano]

I am sure it's all in the culture. It derived from the respect and honor of the elders.

In Vietnam everyone respects the elders, the younger respect the older. We all just follow that tradition. We even had class about manner in junior high. My dad taught us to say thank you to the older relatives. etc etc. The older brothers and sisters have the respect of the younger ones in the family. The whole society pretty much follows a pecking order. Any deviation from the norm will be criticized or punished. (Does that sound like conservativism? )